A California Man Stole $5M, Spent $1M Of It On Game of War Upgrades, And Deserves Jail Forever

Rob Fox8 years ago

The other day we detailed the exploits of an Australian man who, thanks to a large bank glitch, was given lots of free money and used it to buy cars, women, and a whole bunch of coh-caine. Like a normal, decent human being. Now, though, there’s another story of a man who came across a whole bunch of money that wasn’t his (this time by way of stealing it from his employer), except this guy spent it like a dick, was eventually caught, and deserves to be in jail forever for spending said money like a dick.

From The Washington Post:

From about May 2008 to March 2015, he engaged in a scheme to defraud almost $5 million from his employer Holt, a heavy machinery company based in California.

…

Easily the strangest expenditure was money spent on playing “Game of War,” a smartphone game that is considered a freemium app — referring to a game that costs nothing to acquire but requires monetary purchases in-game. In other words, if you want better weaponry or some such within the game, you can purchase it.

The average paying player spent $550 on the game in 2015, according to VentureBeat.

Co spent approximately $1 million.

He legitimately would have been better off filming himself dumping a million dollars in the street and lighting it on fire. He could have called it art and been beloved by at least 30% of America. Bernie Sanders would have proudly tweeted that video. I hope this man never got laid once as a millionaire. This is how an “Ocean’s 11” movie would end if Steven Soderbergh was trying to troll the audience. He would’ve been better off buying a lifetime’s supply of wine coolers and a fleet of Priuses. I cannot think of a worse way to spend a million dollars than on a shitty cellphone game. My God, even spending the money on some human sized, absurdly elaborate, Mouse Trap-esque and unnecessarily painful suicide would have been more worthwhile.

Throw this man in jail forever. He might not even have a bad time there. He can pretend he’s locked in the dungeon of Vulhammer the Furious or something.

To be fair, yes, this man also bought NFL and NBA season tickets, as well as a country club membership. Not all the money was poorly spent. And I’m interested to see what his “plastic surgery expenses” were, but knowing this guy the doctors were probably like, “Sir, you have enough money that we can give you the world’s most perfect penis, in length, girth, and appearance,” but then he was all, “No really all I want is prettier feet, so get on that ASAP.” Then, naturally, he immediately went back to playing Game of War on his phone.

If I were a juror on this man’s case I would be openly laughing at him as the foreman read the overly harsh verdict I convinced everyone else on the jury he deserved. Actually, screw it. Don’t even throw the book at this man. Take him out back and throw rocks at him. Stone him to death.

Do you know how much hookers and blow you could have bought in Venezuela with five million dollars you son of a bitch!?! I hope he was ready to flee the country but fell behind in a Game of War arms race, needed to steal a little more money to compete with some guy whose handle was “OrcNPoonSlayer6969” and that’s why he got caught.

“I hope it was worth it, but I know it wasn’t.” – The judge at this guy’s sentencing..

[via The Washington Post]