Translating The Tinder Profiles You’ll See While Hometown Swiping On Christmas Break

8DollarFifth8 years ago

Christmas break is a time for family, giving, and appreciation of others. With that being said, we all know damn well that you’ll be spending that family time on Tinder until you run out of swipes, and will likely be counting down the 12 hours in your head until you get more or find someone as bored as you to give you a blow jay in your mom’s car. So for the drunk and bored Tinder user at home, I’ve translated some of the more common Tinder profiles you’ll see to help you in your feeble quest to get laid.

1.“I love to laugh/hang out with friends”
Translated: “I want to appear lighthearted and fun, but am generally unoriginal and probably don’t have a ton of friends. More interested in actually having someone to text than hooking up with you. Good God I need to be paid attention to.”

2.“”You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” – Wayne Gretzky” – Michael Scott
Translated: “I like The Office and find it relatable because of its awkward humor which is totally me! I’m so unique but am actually the most basic of all bitches!!!”

3.*insert zodiac sign here*
Translated: “Pretty susceptible to lying and bullshit. The sum of my kids and tattoos is at least 5. Studying to become a nurse’s aid or some shit. Take a drink if I had a mirror selfie in my profile.”

4.“Fluent in sarcasm”
Translated: “I like to think of myself as witty and fun. Most of my humor is actually regurgitated from Tumblr and a specific TV show I watch religiously, and I’m convinced that I’m just like that one character on it.”

5.“I’m an old soul”
Translated: “I don’t fit in with most people so I’m claiming that I’m old fashioned and would fit in better with my romanticized versions of history. Likely boring as fuck and I rock those John Lennon sunglasses Snapchat made a filter of.”

6.*Any bio longer than six lines*
Translated: “I am legitimately on Tinder trying to find a husband/soulmate. Known to have a cig break with the girl who listed her zodiac sign.”

7.“Spontaneous”
Translated: “I am generally bored and have a pretty open calendar because my personality is awful so I do whatever random activity comes to mind just for something to do. I think I want you to surprise me with an unplanned date or road trip, but I’d actually be pretty thrown off and uncomfortable if you tried it. I sometimes borrow the old soul’s sunglasses.”

8.“I want a guy to come sweep me off my feet”
Translated: “I am generally unhappy so hopefully you have a more exciting life than me and I can fall in love with you pretty instantly. You probably don’t want to be seen with me in public.”

9.“Down to try anything once ;)”
Translated: You heard the girl

Happy holiday hunting, you degenerates.

Image via Shutterstock