The Art Of Getting Shitfaced At Family Functions With Zero Repercussions

Corman8 years ago

There comes a time in every man’s life when he faces a crossroad. Do you keep the extra stiff double rums flowing at Easter dinner with your Uncle Rufus, or do you back off like a coward and switch to Coors Light?

For some this is a tough decision, but for others it’s a no-brainer. However, it’s hard to call yourself a man until you’re alpha enough to start throwing them back with no remorse, regardless of the influence it may have on your three-year-old nephew. The real issue, though, is keeping any semblance of sobriety and self control when you start to feel thoroughly trashed. This is where legends are made. Let me walk you through it.

First, have someone pour your drinks for you. The less you do, the better. The last thing you need is for your overprotective aunt to see you spilling Kraken all over the countertops before stumbling back to your spot on the couch. Most importantly, this helps shield your family from how often you’re refilling. Fucking smart.

Second, stick with your cooler relatives. This seems obvious, but you would be surprised how often I’ve found myself less than sober in a conversation with some cousin’s boyfriend’s nephew I don’t even know about some bullshit like whether I should double major or just graduate. This is no fun, and will likely expose just how drunk you are to the people at the function you care about not seeing you in such a manner. You’d much rather be with the people you could legitimately see yourself hanging out with outside of the current scenario. Cousin Mike who is struggling with an unhealthy addiction to The Office (and Klonopin)? Duh. That guy named Jim with the dweeb glasses who’s always around but you aren’t really sure how he’s related to you? Probably a bad time.

You’ll notice that thus far, I haven’t mentioned “pace yourself.” That’s intentional. This is a family gathering, after all.

Third, don’t shy away from anything. Your twisted Grandmother wants to fire up Cards Against Humanity? Get in there. This is a great way to have some fun, laugh uncontrollably, and let unfashionable comments from octogenarians fly with no repercussions. Your cousin wants to go out back and light up a spliff? Probably not going to have too many more opportunities to do that with his first kid on the way; better hop on it. Cowardice has no place in familial functions.

Fourth, ensure you have an endgame for afterwards. Most likely, this party is shutting down around 10 p.m.; maybe 10:30 p.m. if your old man is especially feeling that twelve dollar Malbec. That means it can serve as a unique and, most importantly, free pregame. There’s no worse feeling than being crammed in the back of your family’s CRV with leftover mashed potatoes and piles of presents crowded all around you, heavily buzzed, with nowhere to go but home. Shit is depressing. Ensure you have another “function” you must attend later in the night. Not only will it be a talking point throughout the family social, but it will also serve as an explanation should you do something so incredibly stupid that the only reasonable explanation is that you are piss drunk at 7:15 p.m. (not speaking from experience, I swear)..