Get You A Billionaire Friend
9 years ago

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I think there’s a saying about boat ownership that works as a nice parallel to the theme of what I’m trying to get at here. It goes something like this: Don’t get a boat; get a friend who owns a boat. The friend of a guy who owns a boat gets all the perks of owning a boat without having to actually own a boat.

You don’t have to pay for the boat, the 2x priced gas on the lake, the boat slip, the constant upkeep, and you don’t have to haul it around and find a place to keep it during the cold months. You just show up with a 12-pack and live it the fuck up when your buddy decides to take it out. All the perks, none of the hassle or cost.

Get you a billionaire friend. Like being boys with a boat owner, having a billionaire in your squad will open up a world of fun opportunities that normal people won’t have access to, at no cost to you. Impromptu PJ to southern France to get fucked up on French wine for a few days? No reason not to. Beachside villa in Oahu for a week? Yes, go. Court side seats when LeBron comes to town? You’re there.

Obama has a billionaire friend. Richard Branson, worth over $5 billion, owns his own fucking island in the Caribbean.

Look at Barry’s face. Pure joy. Not a worry in the world. That’s the look of a man who has friends in high places. He left 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and had Branson on the line before he was out of the neighborhood, just ready to unwind with his toes in the sand.

Now he’s kite surfing off Necker Island, double fisting Rum Runners, and having morning sex with the sound of waves massaging the white sandy beach 50 feet away as the sun comes up. You know the last time Barry and Michelle had morning sex? It’s been eight years. Alternate title for this article: I Left the Oval Office and Now I Can’t Stop Having Morning Sex.

Total cost of this lavish vacay: $0.

Branson picks up this tab. Barry isn’t poor by any means, but he’s not “fly my friends out to my island so they can drink and fuck all over it” rich, either. His buddy Branson, though, got damn.

So yeah, get you a Branson in your squad. Or you could also just get a friend who owns a boat.

Image via YouTube

    1. The Lumberjack

      I would like to see his tax returns first, I don’t think trump is nearly as wealthy as he says he is. Does anybody else think it’s strange that he still hasn’t released his tax returns? Also I don’t align with either party but the best candidate. I’m curious what other people think of this.

      9 years ago at 12:19 pm
      3. InternationalFratStudent

        No I don’t think it’s strange because he is under constant audit and you should never release your tax returns while under audit.

        9 years ago at 12:29 pm
      5. JohnnieWalker_Blue

        The same people who release tax returns are the same people who tax the sobriety tests when stopped for a dui. US tax code is so complex and arbitrary that you can make literally anyone look like they are cheating the system.

        9 years ago at 7:31 pm
      7. The Lumberjack

        Obviously people who are intelligent know how or have people who can work the tax system in the most efficient way possible. I just don’t think he’s as wealthy as he says he is. I like the transparency and the precedent set where candidates and presidents release their tax returns.

        9 years ago at 12:52 pm
      10. TheeRockySulli

        As an actual real life lumberjack, I can comfortably say fuck you, fuck your opinion, and fuck taxes. I believe in capitalism and don’t believe in the government taking every penny I slayed trees and risked my life for, so when Trump refuses to show his returns, I don’t think any less of him.

        9 years ago at 9:45 pm
    2. Gerald R. Ford

      I am endowed to no man but 1 woman. I wasn’t even elected president but I still became president.

      9 years ago at 1:05 pm
  5. AriGold9

    Why do all these people who “miss Obama” act like he’s hung out with them before? People you’ve never met before aren’t your friend.

    9 years ago at 11:51 am
  6. StoryTeller

    Dorno, why don’t you work on getting just one normal friend that doesn’t think “oh shit” every time you show up

    9 years ago at 11:59 am
  7. DrGonzoTFM

    I wonder if obama had that same smile when he had that Doctors Without Borders hospital bombed

    9 years ago at 12:07 pm
    2. Larry_Sellers

      I’m critical of Obama and his affinity for drone strikes, but you’re an idiot if you’re implying he intentionally directed that hospital to be bombed.

      9 years ago at 1:41 pm
  9. realDoubleD

    Nah man. Most billionaire’s are assholes. I mean, look at Trump. He stands in the way of the USSA (United Socialist States of America).

    9 years ago at 1:15 pm
      1. DeanAmbrose

        The majority of the poorest states in the US went red while the wealthiest states went blue. You are quantifiably wrong assuming someone who doesn’t like Trump is poor. It is far more likely the opposite is true.

        9 years ago at 7:50 am
  11. buddahsmcmansion

    This is vitally important. In college I met a dude who was became a captain on one of our Olympic sports teams – at my SEC scho, that was still socially a good spot. Over the years he somehow became friends (lovers?) with one of the all time winningest Olympians, who was super chill, and visited our south eastern top tier college town numerous times, even getting national attention for it once or twice. I’m drunk but basically seeing and knowing about the two of them something always phelt weird but yes he has a professional best friend too.

    But they wee both cool dudes so who cares?

    9 years ago at 2:36 am