If You Ain’t A-Barring, You Ain’t Living

Frank Costanza8 years ago

To drink or not to drink? Come the weekend, you’re almost assuredly going to deliberate over whether or not you should go out due to your rapidly shrinking bank account or because you could really feel those drunk boges during your last pickup basketball game, in which you were absolutely humiliated by some ringers from the local high school. Whatever excuses you try to tell yourself, the inevitable fact remains that you will be going out once Friday night rolls around.

Once you’ve accepted this fact, it only seems fair that you do it right. The typical night out follows the rough outline of ambitiously…

1) pregaming, normally by drinking more alcohol between the time the Uber is called and arrives than should be consumed in one night,

2) stumbling into the bar in an animalistic haze in an attempt to bring home one (or two) unlucky mate(s), and

3) probably failing at 2) because you tried to score a threesome in the least persuasive way possible.

Regardless of why you return to campus with nothing, you must deal with the present situation. Unless you have a dedicated roster, booty calls are normally futile. Jerking off drunk is just sad. Quitting in this endeavor is out of the question. For some reason, you must get laid. Must does not mean can, though. For many, the present circumstances of college drinking provide little to no assistance in the pursuit of getting laid upon returning to campus.

College students — at least those who get laid infrequently — should employ the newest strategy for having a memorable (or probably very forgettable) night. This new strategy is the A-Bar.

The A-Bar (short for after bar, and also known as the post-game or late night) almost always arises from informal beginnings, typically with several roommates falling asleep with Airplane! on and a few unfinished beers on the table. The A-Bar also does not have to look like that scene in The Office wherein Robert California, Ryan, and Gabe are all dancing at Robert California’s pool party long after people have left. Instead, this precious window of time can be used as successfully as a person whose brain is soaked in an amalgamation of Tito’s and Fireball can make it. Basement singalongs, a late night pong tournament, an hour-long game of Thunderstruck… the world is your oyster.

The A-Bar provides an opportunity for failures like myself to have another shot at redeeming the night. Of course, if you’re already having a successful night, an A-Bar isn’t absolutely necessary (though it can be a great nightcap). This last-ditch effort requires minimal planning, and it could be argued that the less planning, the better. As you’re leaving wherever it is you are, simply hit up whatever friends are down, and start sending invites to whoever you think wants to keep their night going.

I realize that this could all sound like the ramblings of some loser who’s just desperate for some quick (emphasis on the quick) sex, and that would only be partially right. Obviously people can proceed with the A-Bar however they’d like, but I feel obligated to issue a few warnings.

First off, be wise with the drinking games you play. A rowdy game of slap cup should most likely only be played at the start of the A-Bar in order to boost energy. After that, any games where copious amounts of alcohol are consumed could spoil a night that is already unsuccessful enough for you to be having this thing in the first place. Perhaps drinking games might not even be needed for this occasion. The second warning would be to pay attention to the size of the A-Bar. Find the happy medium where it’s not small enough to devolve into everyone sitting and not large enough to cause significant property damage. Thirdly, I would advise that people find some method of keeping up their energy. I would recommend energy drinks, as they are the least controversial and I’m not sure of the legality of endorsing prescription drugs.

Try out the A-Bar and let me know if I’m completely wrong. Who knows, you could end up scoring that threesome you botched earlier..