The New ‘Planet Of The Apes’ Movies Have No Business Being This Good

Wally Bryton8 years ago

5OClockShadow’s article from earlier today, Movies Suck Now And That’s A Damn Shame, neglected to mention one shining star of the 2010s.

Years ago, when Hollywood announced they were rebooting the Planet of the Apes movies, we all apathetically moaned, “Who gives a fuuuuuuck” and rolled our eyes out the backs of our skulls. We weren’t mad; we just weren’t excited. Obviously the original is a classic, but no one really cared about seeing another version. We were about as thrilled as Guantanamo Bay prisoners being forced to watch an According to Jim marathon as a new torture method.

On top of that, Hollywood churns out so many reboots that you can’t really predict which ones will be good and which ones will be just be lazy cash grabs. Just next year we’ll be getting a new Scarface, a new Aladdin, a new Friday the 13th, and even another World War. After a while, we just get bored of seeing the same old stories. If I have to watch Spiderman’s Uncle Ben get killed one more time, I WILL pour bleach into a shot glass.

But then in 2011, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, a prequel that set up the future films, hit theaters and was actually phenomenal. It was super smart (somehow) and wildly entertaining. The CGI was dope, and the ending was insane. It also had great performances from James Franco and John Lithgow. Franco is a great dramatic actor, and I will die on this hill if I have to.

Three years later, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes came out and was even better. Sporting a healthy 90% on Rotten Tomatoes, it was intense, badass, and, dare I say… Emotionally powerful? And once it gets action-packed near the end, the climax is built up so meticulously that it feels earned, like a good handjob. Okay that’s a lie; there’s no such thing as a good handjob. But if there was, it’d feel like Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.

They really should have put that quote on the DVD cover.

“There’s no such thing as a good handjob. But if there was, it’d feel like Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.” – Wally Bryton, Total Frat Move (contributor)

And now this month, War for the Planet of the Apes, the final chapter in the trilogy, was released, and it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, it’s better than that since sliced bread is nothing special and a really low bar to set for measuring good things.

It’s intense, intriguing, intelligent, and probably some other I words I can’t think of right now. Critically-acclaimed actor and hippie Woody Harrelson (the white man who can’t jump) plays the villain. Yup — this movie is so good it will somehow make you root against the humans. It’ll probably be a big hit, but I’m praying it doesn’t bring back Harambe jokes. One of the coolest movies of the summer for sure.

This trilogy had no business being this good. Now I’m terrified to go to the zoo, but it was worth it..

Image via Shutterstock