Let’s Not Jump To Crucify The Emoji Movie Masturbator

Boston Max8 years ago

Masturbation is a touchy subject (see what I did there?), especially when it’s public masturbation. Never a good look. And when it’s in a movie theater full of kids? Yikes. But…BUT, I can kind of see — and I’m not saying I condone any of this — why of all the movies, a dude was cracking stick at the Emoji Movie.

From the NY Post:

New Jersey police are searching for a sicko caught pleasuring himself during a showing of the kid’s flick “Emoji Movie,” News 12 reported.

A woman watching the film with her children at the Xscape Movie Theater on Route 9 in Howell on Friday says she witnessed the creep performing a lewd act.

The theater manager asked the man — who was seated alone in the back row with his pants unbuttoned and unzipped –to leave.

Cops said they are searching for the man, described as heavyset, in his 20s or 30s, wearing a white dress shirt, black pants and a yarmulke.

Okay, so I’m not sympathizing with this perv, but you have to see where he’s coming from.

1) This happened at the Emoji Movie, a film so bad that when you type it in to Rotten Tomatoes, instead of a rating, it just gives you a crying face emoji. Ironic. So this dude HAD to figure that the theater would be a fucking ghost town rivaling Chernobyl in population. If you’ve got the urge to jack it in public, for the public’s own good I think it’s responsible to do it in a movie theater that you can only assume will be empty given how atrocious the movie is.

2) I can understand that there may be freaks out there who are sexually attracted to emojis and there are hardly any outlets for them going at the moment. Me? Big GirlsDoPorn fan. There are millions of those videos. But if I was a weirdo who got off to emojis? There’s no emoji porn. No emoji erotica. None of that. Imagine this guy’s excitement when he heard there’d be anthropomorphic peaches (or eggplants, not that there’s anything wrong with that) running willy nilly on screen.

3) Clearly he’s a pretty religious dude and I’m guessing jerking off is rather frowned upon in his household/community. Maybe the movie theater is his only option. A safe haven. A home away from home where he can use fake butter as lubricant.

So am I condoning this freak? No. But I think he’s due his fair day in court before we crucify him and punish him by making him watch the movie on repeat..

[via NY Post]