How To Get By In Life When You Don’t Know Shit About Golf

elginbaylor7 years ago

You’re in a fraternity, and presumably people around you talk about golf in one form or another. If you’ve never heard any of your fellow brothers talk about playing golf, watching golf, ruining a sorority golf philanthropy, etc., then your fraternity probably fucking sucks, and you might want to get out of there ASAP. Golf is one of the frattest things out there, and a love and understanding of the sport is essential.

If you don’t already know much about golf, it might be because you’re super fucking busy with class and studying. More likely, though, it’s because you’ve been drinking dangerous amounts of alcohol and/or ingesting illegal narcotics to the point where you can’t focus for long enough to learn about golf on your own. You don’t want to seem like a jackass to your brothers though, do you? That’s why I’m here to help. Follow my advice and you’ll have the tools to fake it until you’ve made it.

Learn The Bare Minimum

There are a few things about golf that you should know. Jordan Spieth is an American golfer who is very good, but has the weirdest hairline of any 24-year-old male alive. Some guy named Bubba is also pretty good (read all about him here), but he is a dick to his caddie. Honestly, it’s pretty funny the way he just tears into him. I have no idea how good Dustin Johnson is, but his wife is very attractive. Additionally, Arnold Palmer is not only a beverage, but a Hall of Fame golfer and golf trailblazer.

You should also know a few tournaments so you don’t sound like an asshole. There’s the Masters, whose winner is awarded a green jacket which is kind of cool, I guess. The US Open is also important. One round of it is usually played on Father’s Day, too, so instead of talking to your dad about why your grades were so bad last semester that day, you two can just watch the tournament in silence. There is also the Open Championship, which is held somewhere in Europe. If all of this is too complicated, then just listen to an episode of the podcast Back Door Cover and repeat the shit they say about golf to your friends like it’s fucking gospel.

Bullshit Conversation

Now that you’ve learned a few of the fundamentals of golf fandom, you may be ready to lie your ass off in conversation with your friends. At first, try to stay in the background of the conversation, occasionally just saying words that sound correct in context. If you are starting to feel more confident, you might feel comfortable saying words that you have heard on TV or in previous conversations.

“Yeah, Spieth played incredible! Did you see that eagle?”

“Oh, that guy barely played below par.”

“He had like, two bogeys. He fucking sucked.”

“His putting game was not at his usual standard.”

These are all good and, in one way or another, all apply to almost any conversation about professional golf. You may feel inclined to talk about Tiger Woods in some sort of way, but I must warn that his career is on a downswing (pun not intended). Comments about him should only involve his injured back, his pill addiction, or Jupiter, Florida.

Make Constant Excuses

If you followed the last two steps correctly, your brothers will assume you are a golf fanatic, and may invite you to play a round with them. Should this happen and you don’t want to look like an idiot, you must have a litany of excuses at the ready. “I’m having my clubs polished” is always a classic, but use it too many times and people will get suspicious. To throw people off your trail of lies and deceit, add in a, “Can’t, I just ordered some new, way-more-expensive clubs cause my other ones were way too cheap and I felt embarrassed playing with them.” Another classic is, “Can’t this time; hurt my ankle while piping this choice babe.” That one is great because you won’t have to play golf and people will also think you are having sex with really attractive women.

If you follow these steps exactly, not only will you avoid looking like a goober, but your brothers will instantly think you are a way better person..