Here’s My Drugged-Out, Idiot Friend Recounting His Overhyped Experience As A Shameless Homewrecker

SeanSpicersWritingTeam7 years ago

My friend said he had a “hilarious” story to tell me after he took some magic truffles. I asked if I could record it, and he said sure.

Him: “So me and a bunch of my [fraternity] brothers were studying abroad and decided to go to Rome for a weekend. We balled out at some club and got a table there that we split, like, 5 ways. So $200 each. We thought that would get us a shit ton of liquor, but it ended up being only 3 of the worst handles there. Their shittiest stuff was nice stuff still. Makes it sound ridiculous to pay like $333 for a handle though.”

Me: “It is ridiculous to pay $333 for a handle.”

Him: “Yeah, it’s a shitty deal, but it was $50 each to get in if you didn’t buy a table, which we didn’t have to pay.”

Me: “Doesn’t exactly offset the $200 cost, but sure. You could have just pregamed.”

Him: “We did. And alright, but we got a table.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

Him: “Goddamn, what’s that taste in my mouth?”

Me: “I don’t know, man. Can we get back to the story?”

Him: “God, that shit is gross. But yeah, so anyway I end up meeting this woman there cause we have a table and that’s classy as shit, so I get her and her friend to come over. So I start talking more to the first woman, and we get pretty drunk off of a handle. So she starts telling me about how she’s married –”

Me: “She’s married?”

Him: “Yeah, but she wants to get a divorce.”

Me: “Oh, I guess that’s not as bad. Why the divorce?”

Him: “She can’t get pregnant to her husband and it’s her fault and she just feels awful for the guy so she wants to leave him.”

Me: “Jesus Christ. And you had sex with this woman?”

Him: “She was hot. And married. And can’t get pregnant. So yeah. Anyway, we’re talking and stuff and then we drink some more and we leave at like 2:30 a.m. So we’re walking around Rome, and we see this, like, famous fountain. So we both get in it.”

Me: “Not the Trevi fountain, right?”

Him: “Yeah, that’s the one. But we got kicked out like 20 seconds in, so we decide to keep on walking through the city and eventually we see a park so we’re like, ‘Why not stroll through there?'”

Me: “Sure.”

Him: “So we’re walking through and all of a sudden she says she wants to have sex with someone and not worry about wanting to get pregnant. I take this as she means me, so I ask her if she wants to have sex with me.”

Me: “Just like that?”

Him: “Yeah, I mean I was yammed, so yeah. Oh, I forgot the best part — back at the club before we left, I was sitting between her and her friend, and they would lean over me and make out and then both make out with me.”

Me: “Okay, I’m not believing that.”

Him: “No, it seriously happened. Write it down.”

Me: “Sure, whatever. So the woods.”

Him: “Chill out, buddy.”

Me: “I’m just asking.”

Him: “Yeah, I know. So yeah, we have sex up against a tree in the woods, and then we leave and go back to the club.”

Me: “Could you get back in?”

Him: “Uhh she could. I couldn’t. So she went in, and I went back to my hotel.”

Me: “Wow. So successful night?”

Him: “Yeah. OH. Also, there’s this other woman whose mom I’ve been doing a lot of… ‘philanthropy’ for, and I really think she’s trying to… return the favor. HAHAHAHA.”

My friend laughs hysterically for about 45 seconds

Me: “Is she also married?”

Him: “Oh yeah. Married as all hell.”

Me: “You’ve got to stop.”

Him: “No can do.”

Me: “This story wasn’t ‘hilarious.'”

Him: “What?”

Me: “You said it was going to be ‘hilarious.'”

Him: “Oh. Whatever. You got the part about the three-way makeout in there, yeah?”

Me: “Fuck you.”.

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