Get Off Your High Horse, NASCAR Is America’s Real National Pastime

PortlandPledgeHazers7 years ago

While baseball is regarded as America’s pastime, I think it’s time we finally admit that this is no longer the case. Don’t let me be misunderstood — baseball is an amazing sport with deep roots in our nation’s history but it is time we finally drop this foolish notion that baseball is THE American pastime.

Americans hold great affection for driving fast, alcohol, and telling overstepping bodies of power to eat shit. You know what pastime values these qualities more than any other? NASCAR. Before I am berated by readers calling me a cousin fucker who should watch real sports, we must take a critical look into NASCAR’s past as well as its current situation.

NASCAR got its start during the Prohibition era when drivers needed to have cars fast enough to elude the tyrants robbing us of our alcohol related vices. In a chain of events that are more reminiscent of Ricky Bobby’s wet dreams than reality, this love of booze and growing interest in cruising around in modified cars eventually led to underground organized racing between bootleggers. As popularity of racing grew and the 21st amendment was passed, the need to outrun law enforcement was no longer relevant. By 1948, Americans still loved their liquor and had grown to love racing as well, thus leading to NASCAR’s founding.

Looking ahead to 2017, NASCAR continues to be the favorite sport of red-blooded, beer-loving and government-hating American patriots. While Americans are being dominated in baseball from overseas recruits, NASCAR will be having none of this. NASCAR is ruled by Americans and shows no signs of having it any other way. Aside from the sport itself, the fans are what define NASCAR.

Never at any other event in the world will you witness as much pure, unadulterated insanity as you will at a NASCAR race. You may think your squad knows how to get properly heinous during a guys’ night, but a hardened NASCAR fan will make you feel like a ninth grader at his first house party. That time you ran through a door in the house and snapchatted it? Yeah that was cool, but a NASCAR fan would take that door, hook it up to their extended cab Ram, and tow it in circles for hours, shit whipping themselves into oblivion while listening to some Hank Williams Jr. They’ll out drink you, out dip you, and do so all while wearing their favorite Kyle Busch shirt.

The only other time you’ll see so many 50-year-olds black out off light beer is your chapter’s annual alumni dinners. Meanwhile, baseball fans enjoy their box seats, $9 Bud Lights and tame, respectful cheering. A baseball stadium is treated as a temple, BYOB is strictly prohibited, and many don’t let you dip anymore. And brawls between fans are few and far between. On the contrary, all of the above are strongly encouraged for NASCAR fans.

As a God-fearing American man I think I speak for most of us in stating that NASCAR holds true to American and fraternal values far greater than baseball ever will. We are all doing this great nation an injustice by claiming baseball is our national pastime. Wake up, America. NASCAR is our real pastime and is here to stay..

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