I’ll Give You These 5 NFL Picks, But Only If You Blame Yourself And Not Me If They Don’t Hit

Mookie Bets7 years ago

Last week, I went 3-2 to bring my season-long NFL record to 18-15. There’s room for improvement like there’s room for an extra passenger on a United Airlines Flight, so fuck off. I blame last week’s losses on ESPN for being incompetent fuck-twats and making the Colts shit the bed. I also blame Andy Dalton’s ginger-ness for not covering the Bengals spread. Fucking gingers, man.

Anyway, this week I’m bringing the heat. I can smell 5/5 like I can smell childhood diabetes in a McDonald’s Happy Meal. If these picks don’t hit, fucking deal with it. Don’t blame me. I said that in the title and you still clicked, which constitutes a contract. Probably. I don’t know. Let’s ride.

All lines via MyBookie.ag. Hit them up for all your gambling needs.

Cowboys vs. Redskins – Cowboys -2

The Cowboys against the Redskins? PC America’s head just exploded. The Zeke saga is like the Star Wars saga in many ways — it seemingly never ends, and may involve Harrison Ford in some capacity. Anyways, the R-words are shittier than waking up in a bush after a night of smoking alcohol and drinking cigarettes, and the Cowboys can’t lose with Elliott playing. We dem Boyz.

49er’s vs. Eagles – Eagles -12.5

The Birds are flying high and I’m happier than Quentin Tarantino in a room full of feet. Carson Wentz is literally ginger Jesus, and if you don’t believe me just watch this play and you will.

He literally rose from the dead.

Furthermore, the 49ers are bigger pieces of garbage than the contents of a landfill containing exclusively true-to-size cardboard cutouts of Kevin Federline, so I’ll take the Eagles in Philly to cover the spread.

Chargers vs. Patriots – Patriots -7

The Patriots are rolling like Zac Efron at Coachella, and I’m rolling with it. I’ll take Tom Brady to cover a 7-point spread in Gillette every day of the week, and twice on Sundays. The Chargers have won 3 straight, but Philip Rivers has 7 kids, so that’ll probably catch up to him this week after he drops them off at soccer practices 25 separate times. Fade Phil, ride Tom.

Steelers vs. Lions – Steelers ML -145

The Steelers seem to be back to old form and are covering spreads like a fucking bagel shop. Throw a little extra on this game and pay the juice, because it’ll for sure remedy your Sunday scaries and pay back that ridiculous bar tab you ran up all weekend.

Bears vs. Saints – Bears +10

I’m going to keep riding da Bears until they prove me wrong. Yes, going down to New Orleans is tough for a young QB who loves to kiss titties, but hopefully Mitchell stays off Bourbon Street. Furthermore, the Bears defense is as legit as Donald Trump releasing the JFK Files, so full send on them.

If these picks don’t hit, take a long look in the mirror and realize it’s all YOUR fault. Not mine..

As always, hit me up on Twitter @ConesDeal to discuss, call me a fuck, or keep up with my bets..

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