Describing The Modern Lake Dad

Aidan Foote7 years ago

Personal Life

•Former fraternity member
•Grillmaster
•Patriotic, but knows nothing about politics nor history
•Numerous BUIs
•Goes to the gym occasionally (no results)
•Always talks about his investments in the stock market
•Possibly a closeted homosexual
•Knows a guy for everything
•Knows all of the bartenders and mechanics in his town by name
•Has a very vague job description (e.g. business consultant)
•Never seems to be working but has a lot of money
•Makes important business calls while drunk on the lake
•Excessively uses Bitmoji
•Tries to add everyone on Snapchat
•The pinnacle of his life was that one SICK fraternity party senior year that featured a huge homemade slip ‘n slide
•Was in a really bad band in high school

Family

•Overprotective of daughter
•Tries to be friends with all of his son’s friends
•Lets his son invite his girlfriend on lake trips and says “no funny business” with a wink
•Is very pervy towards his son’s girlfriend
•Asks his sons girlfriend “how is he?” with a wink
•Calls his son champ, slugger, tiger, or kid
•Overall a terrible parent
•Wishes he had only sons (if not already true)

Possessions

•Boat(s)
•All kinds of outdoor equipment (skis, mountain bikes, kayaks, snowboards, hiking and camping gear)
•Jet ski(s)
•Wakeboard
•(Is terrible at all the above)
•One (1) sort of masculine car that he talks about all the time (e.g. Chevy Tahoe, Chevy Silverado, Toyota Tacoma)
•Roof racks on all the family cars
•At least two grills
•Guitar (can’t play guitar at all)
•An RV
•A motorcycle he doesn’t know how to ride

Music

•His anthems are “Reelin’ In The Years” and “The Boys Are Back in Town”
•Steely Dan
•Supertramp
•Thin Lizzy
•Bon Jovi
•Red Hot Chili Peppers
•The Who
•Sublime
•Listens to non-explicit music that was on the Billboard Top 40 like six months ago
•Loves classic rock
•Listens to pop music from circa 2008

Clothes

•Denim jeans
•Boardshorts
•One pink shirt
•Flannels
•Swimsuits
•Snapbacks
•Logo T-shirts (mostly surfing brands)
•Oakley Sunglasses

Preferred Brews

•Bud
•Bud Light
•Coors
•Coors Light
•No foreign brews at all
•Calls all beer “brews”

Quotes

•”I’ll call you in sick and we’ll hit the lake.”
•”Gonna be our little secret.”
•”Don’t tell mom.”
•”You’re old enough to drink.”
•”Do your parents let you drink?”
•”Drink it, pussy.”
•”If you’re gonna drink, I’d rather you do it under my supervision.”
•”I don’t care who drinks as long as they don’t drive home.”
•”Turn 12 around and that’s 21 — have a beer.”
•”When I was your age…”
•”Did you pull the trigger on that condo?”.