If Your Fraternity’s Treasurer Isn’t All In On Bitcoin, You Need To Find A New Treasurer

Socrates Johnson7 years ago

You may have seen it on the news, read it as you were scrolling through your Twitter feed, or heard about it from that one buddy of yours who gets an outlandish erection every time The Wolf of Wall Street plays on FX. But for those of you who don’t yet know, that lovable little cryptocurrency known as bitcoin is making that Randy Moss money. I’m talking straight cash, homie. What I’m saying is that bitcoin is doing quite well at the moment.

As of early this morning, bitcoin hit $11,000. Now, it isn’t the number itself that has financial gurus giddy like schoolchildren — most predicted it would be profitable — but the fact that it got to that number so quickly. Just seven years ago, bitcoin was worth only a few literal coins. Six cents to be exact.

Admittedly, I don’t really know too much about the ins and outs of bitcoin or how it all works, but if it’s got hotshot investor/software developer/batshit crazy motherfucker John McAfee threatening to chow down on his own cock ‘n balls if bitcoin isn’t wildly profitable in the coming years, then I’m willing to consider taking the leap.

To be fair, John McAfee would probably eat his dick if a random person on the street just dared him to eat his dick, yet it’s hard to curb my enthusiasm when the bitcoin bandwagon is looking prettttty, prettttty, prettttty good right about now. It’s hard to see how the straight-up investment opportunities presented by bitcoin’s rise aren’t more than a little tempting, and that’s not even delving into some of the other factors at play, such as what it could mean for legalized gambling. Suffice to say, them there bitcoin waters best be waded through while the wading’s good.

Too scared to venture into those waters alone, you say? Not to worry. It turns out you likely know just the person to guide you all Moses-like through the Red Sea of financial instability and into the Promised Land of untold riches. A person who, despite so far having only taken two accounting classes and failed one of them, was deemed to have the most financial wherewithal by you and dozens of your closest friends. I’m talking about none other than your fraternity’s treasurer.

Before you lose your shit over the prospect of investing house funds on a risky venture such as bitcoin, consider the alternative. Your treasurer’s going to skim from your house funds anyway. He’s likely doing it right now. But rather than him going all rogue and spending your dues on chicken and alcohol or $18,000 worth of heroin , you can have your treasurer’s baser tendencies work to your potential advantage.

If he makes the wrong move and loses the house a shitload of money, at least you all went down together, right? After all, isn’t that what being in a fraternity’s all about? Taking the W’s AND the L’s as one singular band of brothers? But, hey, if he makes the right market moves and pulls out at the right time, you could all be rich! Or he’ll just figure out how to cash out the house’s bitcoin earnings and spend them all on chicken and alcohol and heroin.

Now, I have immense respect for the position of the fraternity treasurer. I have ever since I discovered during my pledge semester that it was customary for our chapter’s treasurer to write off the hundreds of dollars we would spend on booze each year as “Christmas decorations.” A simple yet hilarious trick, in my mind, to circumvent the fact that we were supposed to be a dry house.

You may have your own opinions about a treasurer with a penchant for playing fast and loose with the house funds, but the way I see it, it’s better to have a ethical relativist for a treasurer than a cowardly one. One who’s willing to take the calculated risks to do what’s ultimately best for both himself and his brothers, whether that be something as big as investing thousands into bitcoin or as small as convincing the powers that be that it costs $100 to wire the little shrub out front of the house with one tiny strand of Christmas lights.

A fraternity treasurer not willing to go all in on bitcoin for the sake of brotherhood is not only one who deserves to have his control over the house coffers revoked, but one who deserves to be balled straight to hell.

Writer’s note: Upon this article’s conclusion, bitcoin plummeted to under $10,000.

Image via Pixabay