Stop Going Full Santa At Parties, You Tryhards

ItalianStallion7 years ago

It’s Christmas again, which is apparently the most wonderful time of the year or something. Sorry, but I consider the most wonderful time of year when it’s sunny enough for me to enjoy a nice cold Corona on a beach somewhere, not when it’s so cold I’m freezing my fucking balls off.

Just kidding, I love Christmas in ways I can’t even explain. If you had told me during high school I’d spend my formative college years singing Mariah Carey, I would have said you’re insane. Fast forward to my fraternity’s yearly ugly sweater mixer where we played the “All I Want For Christmas Is You” EDC remix (still featuring Mariah Carey) and we’d have a different story.

During Christmas, people love dressing things up. For example, dressing your car up as a reindeer with the antlers on the windows and the little red nose on the hood is the easiest way to tell people that you’re a white person during the month of December. These reindeer cars are everywhere; last week I saw one parked in the parking lot of a seedy strip club in the middle of a snowstorm. I don’t know why it was there, but I’ll add it to my list of shit I never thought I’d see. Hey, maybe it was Santa checking in on them ho ho hos? I’m kind of mad at myself for making that joke, but fucking deal with it.

Speaking of dressing up, the number of people who dress up as Santa goes up each and every year. Some of these instances, such as people who get paid to sit in malls, are acceptable. Other displays, however, are not. Case in point: fraternity guys. If you’re a college fraternity member, you shouldn’t be dressing as old Saint Nick. And I’m not talking about those people who have the generic festive red Santa hat bought from Dollar Tree exclusively for drinking festivities; I’m talking about the people who wear a red suit so high-quality Kris Kringle himself would be jealous.

I never understood the appeal of dressing up as Santa for fraternity parties. You look like a goon, and no one’s even gonna know who it is if you wear the beard. When’s the last time you ever heard a chick say, “You know who I wanna fuck? The guy dressed as Santa Claus!” Nope, never. The old “sit on Santa’s lap” trick is creepy as hell, too, and if you pull it you should expect to be exposed in a newspaper of record. Don’t ever think a Santa suit will help you pick up chicks. If Becky from Alpha Zeta Delta doesn’t like you when you’re wearing Vineyard Vines and a backward snapback, what makes you think she’ll like you dressed in full North Pole regalia, beard included? If she ever wants to talk to you again after you try to hook up with her while you’re in a Santa costume, that will be the real Miracle on 34th Street.

Now I know what some of you are thinking: “But what about SantaCon? Everyone dresses up as Santa, gets drunk, and looks like they’re having a grand ol’ holly jolly time!” True, SantaCon is a blast, and it’s acceptable to dress up in full Santa garb for that. But that’s different. Literally everyone at SantaCon is dressed as Santa; it’s sort of like a big joke everyone’s a part of. In addition, they’re all getting shitfaced, which immediately makes socially unacceptable things more socially acceptable. This is opposed to dressing up as Santa for a fraternity party, where you’re most likely the only one doing it and looking like a major tryhard goober in the process.

Don’t dress up as Santa; leave that to the professionals (i.e. old people at malls who can grow badass beards). Stick to the masculine and traditional ugly sweater and sports team-branded Santa hat combo if you feel compelled to wear something other than a jersey or Hawaiian shirt.

Now Santa — if you’re reading this — I have been VERY good this year. All I want for Christmas are some uncensored rush boobs, please. Make it happen and instead of leaving out milk and cookies, I’ll leave out a six pack instead. Balls in your court..

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