The Awesome And Insane History Of Smirnoff Vodka

Swoop Johnson7 years ago

The Greek community seems to have a love/hate relationship with Smirnoff. We love icing people, but we hate getting iced. We love getting blacked off a fifth of Smirnoff Blue Label, but we hate pissing in nightclubs because of it. Overall, I’m more on the hate side of the relationship. A lot of otherwise great evenings have ended with heave after heave of raspberry-scented, rainbow-colored vomit raining off the back patio, all thanks to Smirnoff. Some might even go as far as to say they’ve been personally victimized by Smirnoff, but the sad truth is that Smirnoff doesn’t victimize you, you victimize yourself after you’ve consumed it. Regardless, alcohol-induced self-victimization hasn’t stopped us from slurping it down on a weekly basis. Women love it. Men love it because women love it. Grandmas who accidentally grab Ices out of coolers at family reunions love it. Our culture is undeniably influenced by the products that bear the Smirnoff name, and I think it’s time to shed some light on how it all started.

The origins of vodka itself date all the way back to 9th century Russia. If you’ve ever heard that Russians drink vodka like water, it’s because the word “vodka” is derived from the Russian word “voda,” which literally means water. The Russians have considered this shit on the same level as H20 since the day it was created. Throughout the Middle Ages, vodka was used for a plethora of purposes (usually to get hammered) and eventually established itself as the national drink of Russia and other Eastern European nations during the 15th and 16th centuries. This is an abbreviated history of vodka, so go here if you want the full rundown.

Smirnoff’s story begins in Russia, unsurprisingly. A man by the name of Pyotr Arsenievich (P.A.) Smirnov founded the company in 1864, and people fucked with his product so hard that the Tsar dubbed P.A. the Purveyor of the Imperial Court, which meant he got to make the booze for the nobility of the time. Smirnoff’s marketing team has since shifted their focus from powerful and rich people to the sons and daughters of powerful and rich people who belong to Greek organizations and read this website, but at the time? Smirnoff was top-shelf status.

After the passing of P.A., Vladimir Smirnov — P.A.’s son — took over the distillery. During the Russian Revolution in 1917, the Bolsheviks shut down all private distilleries. Vladimir was arrested and sentenced to death due to the anti-boujee sentiment that arose from the revolution. Luckily he was able to flee to Turkey to avoid a stay in the gulag, and eventually wound up in France of all places. When in France, Vladimir adapted the family name to fit the style of the French people, and Smirnoff (with two f’s instead of a v) became a brand for the first time. If we have the Russians to thank for the vodka, we have the French to thank for the name, which is probably the only thing the French will ever deserve thanks for (if even that).

The Smirnov family’s possession of the company ended soon after Vladimir’s escape from Russia. He wasn’t nearly the businessman his father was, and in 1933 he was forced to sell the company to a fellow Russian refugee who flipped it to an American wine and spirits company in Hartford, Connecticut just six years later. At this time, most Americans had never heard of vodka, let alone Smirnoff. It was a bold move that, as we all know, paid off. After World War II, the United States embraced vodka — known then as “white whiskey” because it takes a while for Americans to get the names of unfamiliar things right — and Smirnoff started to become a household name.

As with most successful brands of alcohol, Smirnoff eventually ended up in the hands of a company that owns several brands of our favorite booze. Like, a monopolistic amount of booze. Diageo was established in 1997 due to the merging of multiple alcohol producers. They own over 200 brands, including but not limited to Smirnoff, Crown Royal, Baileys, Ketel One, Ciroc, Captain Morgan, and Guinness. They are the minds behind things like Smirnoff Ice and other fruity flavors of liquor that we all “enjoy.” I’d like to be able to tell you that sugary, sweet, fruity malt beverages date back to 9th century Russia, but they were really just created to put money in the pockets of modern day liquor tycoons.

From Tsars to Sorority girls, Smirnoff has captivated people who love to get drunk for more than a century. It’s not the best booze in the world, but it gets the job done, and it does so in style. Without Smirnoff and the Smirnov family, the way we celebrate and consume alcohol wouldn’t be the same..

[via G&V, Smirnoff, Diageo]

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