Someone Stole Red Panda’s 7-Foot Unicycle So It’s Time To Go Full Liam Neeson On Their Ass

El Taco8 years ago

There aren’t many things in life that are just simple, peaceful pleasures like a babbling brook, a light thunderstorm as you try to sleep, an SJW faceplanting, or the acrobatic performance of one Red Panda.

Now, however, Panda’s fan-favorite performance is in jeopardy as someone stole her seven-foot unicycle in San Francisco.

From KTVU:

Since its disappearance on Jan, 24, Rong Niu, the solo San Francisco unicyclist who juggles and balances plates on her head at NBA basketball games and universities across the country, has not been the same.

“She’s heartbroken,” her agent, Pat Figley of San Francisco-based Farallon Entertainment, told KTVU on Wednesday. ”It’s like her baby was kidnapped. She’s had that unicycle for 30 years.”

As Figley tells the story, Niu had landed at SFO from Denver and was waiting for her bag – filled with her 7-foot unicycle – to come off the conveyor belt. She saw it from a distance. But as she was about 10 to 15 feet away, someone “must have grabbed it,” Figley said.

…

Whether it is a coincidence or not, another unicycle was stolen the same day – this time an electric one, from a 24-year-old woman riding it in the 3900 block of San Leandro Street in Oakland.

This doesn’t seem like a coincidence at all. What we have here is a serial unicycle bandit who gets off stealing one-wheeled objects.

Who goes around stealing unicycles? You sick fuck. I’d like to up the reward money to $2020, please so that we can get this demented person off the streets.

Niu was supposed to perform at UCLA the following day but had to cancel, leaving hundreds of thousands (potentially millions or billions) with huge holes in their already cold hearts.

Panda is back at it now, but things just aren’t the same.

She’s now back out on the road, but she’s on a backup unicycle. And it’s not the same.

“She’s doing horribly,” Figley said. “She’s dropping balls. She’s just not used to it. The one that was stolen was custom built for her.”

What did Panda ever do to you, man? Did a unicycle torture and kill your family? Do you hate fun? I bet you hate puppies too, don’t ya? Just return the uni and everybody wins. Don’t return it and we cancel the rest of the college basketball season. It’s the only logical response.

If you’re in the San Francisco area, I ask you… No, I COMMAND you to track down this sick unicycle thief and give them what they deserve: 50 years to life in the state penitentiary..

[via KTVU]

Image via YouTube/Jim Davidson