Commit To The Theme Or Get Out Of The Way

A Broad a semester7 years ago

Theme parties are a time-honored tradition and should be afforded the same respect given to the other pillars of Greek life. Now it is 2018, and if you’re still planning parties with racist themes and hoping that there won’t be any photographic evidence, it’s time to evolve, grandpa.

Stop throwing parties like that. It’s weird and your actual grandpa didn’t fight the Nazis so that you could fuck with minorities and be an asshole. With that being said, 1,000,000 normal themes are still on the table. And if you show up to the party, you respect that theme and dress like a pirate, or walk the plank.

You didn’t come to college to suck. You probably came to college because you thought it meant you wouldn’t suck (or to be sucked on). Showing up is only half of the battle. You’ve actually got to do some cool stuff. Yeah you can go home for breaks and lie to your boys about the parties or the girls, but you could also just go balls out and not have to lie.

Dress up for the party and embrace the spirit. So, let’s start simple. If the theme of the party is “Dazed and Confused,” get your god damn ‘70s uniform on and roll up. If you’re not part of the solution then you’re part of the problem.

The most basic and classic is the Toga party. It’s easy to put together, easy to take off, and every movie seems to think that they happen all the time. Use your bed sheet, have pledges feed you wine, and get into the spirit. It’s a blast and you look insane. Try not to break too many laws, though, because uhhh your mugshot in a white sheet won’t age very well on the internet.

You need to embrace the strange. If you show up out of costume then you’re the wet blanket that we all hope to avoid. Get weird with us, man. Take the spiritual journey into your character. If you dress up as a Scottish warlord then spend the night inhabiting your character. Drink all of the mead in your county, decapitate your enemies, maybe reinstate prima nocta. Be part of the party, be a contributor, and howl with the wolves.

Look, if you’re fat, it is your absolute obligation to dress for the theme. You owe us that. “Us,” meaning society. Don’t get it twisted. You don’t dress for our entertainment; you dress because you are a rotund prince who brings joy to everyone he’s around. Especially when you throw on the fake mustache and yellow spandex to emerge as the Hulkster. You go and find your boy who is in full Sting face makeup and put on a show for the crowd. The theme is Wrestlemania, obviously.

I dare you to tell me that seeing a semi-grown man, dressed as a phoenix, trying to talk his way out of an MIP with a confused cop isn’t the best thing you can turn a corner and run in to. Let there be no doubt: If you don’t dress for the theme then you MUST walk the plank. The theme is “Pirates and Sluts,” obviously. Be an innovator, find the fun in it, and go absolutely bananas for the theme.

Sidenote: Has anyone seen my Hulkamania T-shirt?.