Everybody Panic: There’s A Worldwide Tequila Shortage
My love for Mexican alcohol doesn’t just stop at beer; it goes on to include that sweet nectar of the gods that is tequila. Plastic bottle tequila is the fine line between me being a standup, outstanding member of society and being a drunken lunatic. Tequila makes backflips look easy and felonies look like misdemeanors your dad can get you out of. Side note: no matter how good your dad’s lawyer is, he can’t get you off the hook for trying to free the Bengal tigers at the Central Park Zoo. Thanks for that one, Juárez.
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we’ve got a problem on our hands. Actually, it isn’t just a problem; it’s more like an epidemic.
From Esquire:
The world is facing a global tequila shortage, and we could be feeling the effects very soon.
Tequila producers in Jalisco, the heartland of Mexico’s signature spirit, are struggling to deal with a lack of blue agave, the plant from which tequila is made.
In a situation like this, it’s important everyone remain calm. Nobody panic. Okay, everybody panic. Someone better get FEMA on the phone immediately. Maybe they can send disaster relief or something.
What? How? Why? How could this happen? Who lets this happen?
The 18 million blue agaves planted in 2011 and ready for harvest now come nowhere near the estimated 42 million needed to satisfy this year’s demand, which 140 companies registered by the Tequila Regulatory Council are trying to meet.
In other words, we’re drinking too damn much of the stuff.
Esquire, are you telling me that I’m drinking too much? What are you, Alcoholics Anonymous? My girlfriend? My stepmother? Some weird combination of the three? I know my limits and I’ll drink as much as I please, got it?
According to Reuters, agave prices have risen six-fold—from 3.8 pesos per kilo to 22—over the past two years, while demand from the United States and Japan has skyrocketed. (The United States alone is responsible for over 80 percent of Mexico’s tequila exports.) And as prices have risen, so has theft—15,000 plants were estimated to have been stolen in 2017.
Who the hell is stealing tequila plants? Look, I’ve stolen a lot of things in my life: money, drugs, the hearts of many sorority women, but I never thought to myself, “Hmmm, maybe I should commit grand theft agave.”
No word yet if the shortage will end by Cinco de Mayo. Let’s all hope for the best, though..
[via Esquire]
Image via Shutterstock
But at least we can all remain calm knowing virg will never reproduce
8 years ago at 10:37 amI know you’re not talking about me kid because I’d beat you to a pulp
8 years ago at 8:44 pmFake news. There was a whiskey shortage a couple years ago and then there wasnt
8 years ago at 10:38 amMightBeSharkWeek
8 years ago at 10:55 amYou can’t be positive all the time but SharkWeek isn’t the place to let the darkness out. 😉
8 years ago at 12:15 pmLooks like my family’s investment in an agave plantation has paid off nicely. Every time you losers buy tequila, I get richer. Now if you’d only learn to give the tequila to women instead of drinking it yourselves, you might actually lose your v-cards.
8 years ago at 10:47 amShut the fuck up you poor
8 years ago at 11:21 amMake me pussy
8 years ago at 12:33 pmThese losers are constantly bragging about how small their dicks are and how they only last 2 minutes in bed. I’d say the chances of them getting laid is slim
8 years ago at 8:45 pmI’d say that your chances of surviving to 20 are slim to none.
8 years ago at 12:38 amI’d say your chances of saying that to my face are zero to none. Fucking pussy
8 years ago at 12:00 pmThe chance of anyone saying anything to your face are zero because you’re too much of a pussy to give out your real address. On the other hand, you know exactly where you can find me. So come on, pussy boy. Let’s see your fucking asshat face.
8 years ago at 12:09 pmI already beat your ass once kid. Although I’m happy to do it again if you wanna keep running your mouth.
8 years ago at 10:17 pm