Blow Your Load On Bitcoin

RageTheory7 years ago

I have a love/hate/fuck relationship with bitcoin. I first heard of it years back when a friend bought a mining rig: AKA mega-nerd computer designed for the sole purpose of mining cryptocurrency.

Mining bitcoin back then couldn’t cover the extra power it cost to run, so I assumed it was a huge waste of hard drive space and disregarded it completely. “Nerd shit,” I thought at first… but not believing at all was my biggest fuck up.

The Silk Road was still open for business back then. If you wanted to buy drugs or hire assassins on the internet, bitcoin was the only way to do it.

There’s intrinsic value to anything the black market capitalizes on. I just didn’t have the stones to throw away cash on virtual trash that funds terrorism and gives Best Korea a massive, tiny, little, erection.

I started believing at $8 and started buying at $90. Even then I was still hesitant.

Fuck, this is a bubble — if I wasn’t such a big, squishy pussy, I’d be up 10x already. How much higher can this scam possibly go before I’m forced to bail?

Another 10x, that’s how much.

That bastard broke $1,000 and my business partner and I were dancing on what we thought was the moon, only to watch our entire investment vanish into thin air as Mt. Gox got hacked like a bitch, sending hundreds of millions in bitcoin back into the great unknown lulzfactory of the internet.

50 bitcoins burned before our eyes, the market crashed, and I lost all faith in infidel crypto currencies. I was back to penny stocks and Russian roulette to get my fix. I jumped in and out of marijuana stocks before the bubble burst, so I was sitting fat, contemplating whether I should buy more bitcoin at $400.

Nahhh fuck bitcoin. Fool me once, right?

I watched in horror as BTC almost broke $20,000. Fuuuuuck me. If I wasn’t such an amateur, I could’ve been a millionaire. Keeping bitcoins in the exchange was like keeping my nuts in anything other than my nutsack… really fucking stupid and detrimental to the survival of my bloodline.

If you keep your crown jewels in an exchange like Coinbase, Kraken, Bitstamp, Bittrex, or Binance, you are fucking stupid. Coinbase is Mt. Gox 2.0 — the founder of Mt. Gox is even a board member at Coinbase.

That’s like hiring Baby Face Nelson to be a security guard at Bank of America. I’m not falling for that shit again. The offline vault feature is a good start, but ultimately a third party is still holding your private keys, which means they own your crypto.

If you want to gamble with cryptocurrencies, get it off the exchanges and into your own wallets. Use cold storage for big numbers. Hardware wallets and paper wallets are the most secure. Don’t tryhard this shit. Do your research or you will get hacked/raped. If you aren’t actively trading, use cold storage.

The age of quantum computers is dawning. When black hat geniuses armed with $15 million computers steal trillions of cyber-tulips, there’s going to be a total nerd revolution.

Vengeance for getting stuffed into lockers… Justification for being deprived of pussy until their late twenties. The nerds will rise. Mark my words. Just as bitcoin rises, so shall the nerds. Can you comprehend 10x magnitudes of sexual frustration coupled with the godlike power to brute force into anything “secure” on the internet?

Fuck no, you can’t. That’s why you should be afraid.

That’s why you should protect your “investment”/bet.

Bitcoin might be the future, might be a scam, but you might as well throw a dart at the board because this is the next Cambrian explosion in tech.

YOLO FOMO NOHOMO you should place your bets and get in on this sloppy money hole. Shit, do you play Fantasy sports? Buy lottery tickets? Gamble at casinos? This is the same kind of shoot-from-the-hip stupidity that can be a ton of fun if you aren’t betting the whole fucking farm on it.

The only things that rival this are the discoveries of fire or the internet — both pretty much just a bunch of dumb sasquatches rubbing sticks or dicks until their hands were raw. In five years, everyone will look back and think, “Fuck I was right!” or “Fuck I was wrong!” but no matter which way your fucks go, you’re going to be wrong about bitcoin.

Bitcoin is a huge piece of shit compared to faster currencies (LiteCoin, Dash) and newer blockchain technologies (Ethereum, Neo) that will dominate the market of the future. This bubble of stupidity hasn’t even begun to blow up yet.

Bitcoin is going to rise and crash, break records and break hearts, until everyone is forced to accept that cryptocurrencies are an entirely new asset class that will change the future of finance, business, and technology as we know it.

Institutional investors haven’t even begun to fuck with this shit yet. The tulip boom in the Netherlands was still a bigger bubble than bitcoin. People paid more for a tulip back then than they do for a bitcoin now. WTF?

You think we can’t make a bigger bubble than dumb motherfuckers could in the 1600s? You gonna let the 1600s win, you bourgeoisie pussy?

Fuck no, this is America! Trump’s the goddamn president and there’s no rational return from this hard fork of reality. We’re gonna be the best at everything ever, especially fucking up.

Tulips couldn’t buy shit in the 1600s but bitcoin can buy almost anything today, especially things that are impossible to buy with any other currency or medium of exchange.

Can you buy cocaine with a credit card on the internet? No, but bitcoin can.

That’s the only thing you need to wrap your head around. A decentralized currency allows individuals, institutions, and enemies of the state to operate outside the financial blockades that western governments facetiously call “sanctions” and “regulations.”

Cryptocurrencies and blockchain technologies are here to stay, whether you like it or not. You might as well place a gentleman’s bet, sit back, and relax. Enjoy the ride and try to make some money along the way because nobody wants to be the last guy to blow his load on the biscuit..