Learn Some Airport Etiquette, You Animals

Dent7 years ago

“Please make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position!” I screamed as I awoke in a cold sweat. It was Friday morning, about 4:00 AM, and I was dreading the events that would follow that day. I was going to have to travel, and, in turn, deal with the truest scum of the earth: disrespectful airport-goers.

It doesn’t seem that hard. Mind your own business, follow the rules, and everyone won’t glare at you with that whole “you’re a total dickhead” look. Unfortunately, you people keep finding ways to fuck it up. And I’m not sure why, but I still get upset when you inevitably do.

In this particular case, the public showcases of dickheadery would only be elevated due to the fact that I was traveling between two capitals of not-give-a-fuckness: Chicago and New York. For some reason, the more people there are in a city, the less likely individuals are to care about how their trash tendencies are received.

Here is just a quick rundown of the monsters I had to deal with over the weekend.

Negligent Parents

I encountered a family who thought it was okay to have their little Hellraiser weaving in and out of hoards of people on this contraption.

Granted, this thing is dope. As a kid, I would have lost my mind if I had one of these. But that’s exactly why they’re horrible. What kind of reckless parents allows their children to believe that airports are fun places to be? Can you imagine what it will do to that kid’s psyche when he grows up and realizes his formative years of travel were nothing more than an elaborate ruse? He’s going to be crushed.

While we’re on the subject, kids under a certain age shouldn’t even be allowed to fly. Sorry to offend, but I don’t practice pulling out for my own health. Those whiny little human fire alarms aren’t supposed to be on my radar yet so leave ’em at home. And if you do have the bravery to bring them along, they better not cry. Believe me, I have no problem shuffling my way back to 24B to voice my displeasure.

Negligent Passengers

Airlines have this new thing for the really, really, poor (Me) called “basic economy.” It’s like economy, just more basic. As in they strip you of any last rights you may have had, like the ability to bring a carry-on bag. While it’s a shitty policy, you consent to it when you take the cheapest price available. But that didn’t stop a woman from still trying to sneak one past the gate attendant when we were boarding. Their exchange went something like this.

Gate Attendant: I’m sorry ma’am, but your ticket is for basic economy. You are only permitted one personal item, no carry-on.

Irate Lady: They told me it was okay when I checked in.

Gate Attendant: No, it’s not. Unless you have a receipt saying that you paid an extra fee to take it on…

Irate Lady: Yeah, I paid the fee. Now let me on this goddamn plane.

Gate Attendant: Can I see your receipt? If you paid, then it’s no problem, but I need to see a receipt.

Irate Lady: I don’t got no receipt. Now let me on the fucking plane!

Gate Attendant: I cannot do that ma’am.

The back and forth continued for several minutes. The irate lady didn’t win this round, and if I’m a betting man, I would say that she never paid for that bag.

Negligent Seat-Takers

I sprawled out near my gate in a bank of open seats. Quietly, I toggled the playlist of Post Malone’s new album in search of a banger I could vibe to when suddenly it happened. Out of nowhere, a gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and muttered that taboo phrase, “Is this seat taken?” He was pointing to the seat directly next to me…NEXT TO ME…in a bank full of empty seats.

I was so shocked with his conduct that all I was able to muster was a half shrug. Taken? No, but that doesn’t make it available. Airport seats work under the same guidelines as public restrooms. If there were a whole bank of urinals open, you wouldn’t park yourself next to the only other guy in there, you psychopath. So why are you doing it to me now? Despite my displeasure, this fuck still sat down next to me, so I promptly got up and moved down four spaces.

Listen, I know traveling isn’t the most fun thing in the world. But would it kill you to just attempt to act like civilized human beings? I’m not sure how much more of this I can take..