University To End Drug Use By Forcing Students To Sign Contracts Promising They Won’t Do Them

Rnewtonblock7 years ago

From The Independent:

A UK university has vowed to become the first in the country to bring in a “drug-free” policy which would force students to sign a contract not to take drugs on the grounds of the institution.

Well I guess that’s a wrap on drug use at The University of Buckingham. Problem solved! I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before. All the administration has to do is make its students sign contracts stating that they won’t take drugs, and poof, no more drugs. It’s a great plan. The only thing I’d like to see added to the new policy would be a legally binding a pinky promise after the contract is signed, just to be safe.

I’m confident this will work out exactly how the University of Buckingham is picturing it:

Hot female student: “Want to come back to my dorm and smoke?”

Male student in the midst of a dry spell: “I would love to but I’m contractually obligated to remain a dud. So I’ll be passing on the weed and potential sexual foolery, and instead, I’ll be heading home to repetitively ram my head into a wall. And you missy, you need to reevaluate your life and recommit yourself to the contract!”

Obviously, nobody is going to do drugs once the contract is in play, but I’m wondering what happens to the current students who weren’t forced to sign it when they enrolled. I assume they’ll have their old policy of “do drugs whenever you want” grandfathered-in. I mean if cable companies who are notoriously brutal with new policies can grandfather-in Wi-Fi services, I’d hope these kids could still drop acid in the library without consequence. What’s fair is fair. Wouldn’t want to have to report The University of Buckingham to the Better Business Bureau.

After The University of Buckingham’s contracts successfully transforms their school from a higher-education crack den into the oxymoron that is a “drug-free college,” I think they should use their brain trust to tackle other pressing issues.

They should head to the DMZ in Korea and whip out a super peaceful promise contract for old Kim Jong-un to sign. Although for that one I’d insist on the pinky promise to make it ironclad. The last thing we need is for another UK institution to facilitate a peaceful promise between nations only to have Poland invaded shortly thereafter..

[via The Independent]

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