Put The Vape Pens Down

Bryce Carlton-Banks7 years ago

It seems that the old adage of “find what you love and let it kill you” has found another home. Vapers across the nation are on-guard after a series of reported incidents involving vape pens exploding in users’ faces. The most recent case was a man in Florida who had two shards of metal fly into his brain while attempting to toss clouds.

Who would have ever thought that the “alternative” to cigarettes would be even more dangerous for you? Multiple people have lost their lives because of these exploding vape pens so I don’t want to get too rough with my commentary, but come on, people. One case of this happening is more than enough for me to say “well fuck all that.” Even having one of these in your pocket is a risk for a premature vasectomy.

I know that may sound hypocritical because cell phones have also been known to explode, but I can’t find hot singles in my area by blowing a god damn smoke cloud. It would have the opposite effect and I’d be standing on the road surrounded by smoke until a Zumiez hat magically appeared on my head, completing the full transition into douche-baggery.

I’m not going to lie, I did use to have a vape my freshman year. It was cool at first, but there are only so many smoke rings you can blow before you start contemplating whether or not you should kick your own ass. Not to mention that buying new juice flavors was basically a toss-up, as 70% of them tasted like burnt asshole. The main reasons I gave it up were so that I would stop getting roasted at chapter and have a newfound sense of self confidence.

This issue is not bad for everyone, though, as big tobacco is more than likely having a field day with these exploding vape pens. Unless your “hilarious” friend puts a firecracker in one, you know what won’t randomly blow up in your fucking face? A smooth, ol’-fashioned, American-made cigarette. Vape pens seem foreign to me compared to tobacco grown right here in the US of A.

I personally enjoy Marlboro 27s, which I have taken the liberty of putting into a category of their own because they are not cigs; they’re 27s. Juuls are obviously the big hit among students nowadays and could easily cause just as big of a bang as traditional vape pens, but I’m going to keep hope alive for them since I love seeing drunk kids at parties get bamboozled into inhaling someone’s group project out of a USB drive.

Bottom line, everything you do has risks involved. You can either continue to keep hitting those vapes with the risk of looking like Sloth from The Goonies, or you can light up a dart and only subconsciously know why you’ll have cancer in 30 years. The choice is yours, but for me? I’m going to do what my father and his father before him have been doing for decades. I’m going to keep cigs alive and stick to my 27s..

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