College Administration Is Upset At Us For Leaving The House Totally Trashed

Buzzy Robinson7 years ago

I often begin writing ideas for columns in the Notes app on my iPhone. And, for one reason or another, I often completely forget about them.

Aside from having the attention span of a chipmunk on blow, I have a funny habit of drinking a lot of beer and forgetting stuff. The contents of my Notes folder is often one of the first things to go. I suppose I just have a hard time remembering not to forget shit, especially when Natural Light is involved.

Occasionally I will see, hear, or read something that will trigger one of these previously lost memories from depths of my hippocampus back up to the surface of my addled consciousness.

In this particular case, it was an email from a facilities manager at my college regarding the state of my fraternity’s chapter house, which we left completely trashed after finals week, as is tradition. The email, the subject line of which was simply “sad day,” reads as follows:

I went to the house for a detector that kept coming in as not reporting.
 
WOW. The entire house is trashed!! To say the least with damage and the way it was left.

Also I asked for a sofa that was stuffed in the west stair tower to be moved out. Yea guess what it was not.

I left out names for obvious reasons. How about that writing, though, huh? I thought I was hammered. I mean, wow. This man must have either been too furious to type in coherent English sentences, or is currently teetering on the precipice of illiteracy. Either way, he is absolutely correct.

We fucking destroyed the house after finals week. It’s not flattering, but it happened. That’s just the unfortunate truth of the matter. I do feel bad about wrecking the house, for the record. We should absolutely show more respect for the crib. This much I will concede.

I mean, come on, though. You had to have seen this coming. A gang of dudes who just finished up a full academic year are left to their own devices for two whole nights before bailing for the summer. We didn’t exactly have the highest incentive to pick up after ourselves.

The reason that this email reminded me of one of the many lost written entries in my iPhone was that I had actually begun writing a live record of the events of that night.

I was going to attempt, for your entertainment, to detail in real time the party that we threw during our last evening at school. Needless to say, I only wrote down the events that transpired between finishing my last exam and my first alcoholic beverage. And that’s it…

From my iPhone Notes:

Live notes of last night on camps

Ok time to motivate… where’s my shower slides?

Oh man, I entertain myself. In case you couldn’t fill in the blanks between my preview of the evening and the subsequent email from the college administration, we got drunk and trashed the house.

It happens. I’m sure we’ll be more responsible in the future and learn from our mistakes. Blah blah blah, something something stewardship, something something pride in our living environment.

Anyway, I hope we don’t get in too much trouble for this. I just think it’s funny that I basically called it in my notes folder two weeks before getting the reprimanding email from the school.

The lesson here: clean up after yourself. Or, easy solution, find an off-campus crib to trash before leaving for break! It’s all about planning to get caught these days. Be smart, be proactive, destroy somebody else’s house instead. You’re welcome..