What to Expect Back Home on Thanksgiving Break

StuffFratPeopleLike13 years ago

Thanksgiving break is a unique time every year for us to step back, return home, and stuff our faces in pre-final exam bliss. While food and family are staples during these couple days off, here are a few more things you can expect to encounter.

Your Dog (Missed the Shit out of You)

Get ready to face the canine equivalent of affection, and a lot of it. Chances are, your dog has grown up right there with you from a young age, and if anyone back home notices your absence, it’s him. He’ll want you to take him on plenty of walks. You don’t mind because you’ll look for any excuse to get out of the house to get a quick fix of whatever new habits you’re bringing home with you this semester. Also women love dogs, and you’ve seen how that cougar neighbor eyefucks you as you walk past.

The Nightlife (Probably Doesn’t Compare)

Now, this may not be true for all of us, but in many cases our college town nightlife is far superior to that of our hometowns. If not, maybe you should have went to a relevant college. You might think going out with a few of the brothers from your hometown will be just as reckless and fun as a night in the frat castle, but sadly this isn’t the case. Some of the bars might actually be a pretty interesting change of pace, and the local girls have the benefit of having no idea about your sexual exploits back on campus, but there are still drawbacks. Coming from a town where you can buy pitchers for a quarter and where sorority girls flock like wildebeest over Mufasa’s corpse can definitely leave one spoiled. The worst part of all? You’re almost guaranteed to encounter…

Kids You Knew in High School (That Probably Suck Now)

He might have been your boy on the football team back in the day, I get it. But there’s no replacement for a pledge process and a few years of college, and without them there’s a clear distinction between “mature young adult” and “pitiful GDI stuck-in-the-glory-days.” You especially have to be wary of the kids that never left home, choosing instead to study at West Mediocrity Community College (also known as the “Fightin’ Underachievers”). When you moved on from the sloppy awkwardness of drinking behind your parents back onto the endless cascades of fraternal bliss, these kids stayed behind to “take it easy” for awhile. “Taking it easy” as in still living with his parents, selling shitty weed, and jamming out to Ziggy Marley in the Community College parking lot after his Fingerpainting 101 final. Where did they go wrong? Everywhere.

Food (Eat as Much as you Can)

I know I already mentioned it, but let’s get real, delicious home cooked meals are the main reason Thanksgiving break has so much appeal. After a semester of frat house cooking, your digestive system has essentially worked the equivalent of three marathons. You’ve drunkenly shoveled enough fast food into your gullet over the past few months to single-handedly put Ronald McDonald’s kids through clown school. You’ve survived your chef’s “mystery meat” without a hitch (as long as you don’t consider 3 toilet trips in an hour a “hitch”). The point is, you’ve earned a feast and by all means you should take advantage of the holiday. It’s hard to beat a homecooked meal, and Thanksgiving is the fifth-year bitch-slaying senior badass of homecooked meals. Go ahead and have a second helping, because you’ll be missing it next time the chef decides “Beef Tips” is an acceptable dinner.

Whatever your break may bring, in all seriousness it is an excellent time to step back, enjoy the company of family, and stuff your face until you enter a tryptophan coma. But don’t get too cozy, as many college football rivalry games are set for the following Saturday. Don’t be a bitch and stay home, it is your personal obligation to your team to become as belligerent as possible on gameday, and to abandon this duty is a sin against your founding fathers. Your family may be upset your stay was so short, but this my friends is college football season. You have a job to do.