50 Things I Learned in College
1. There is always an excuse to get drunk.
2. Biting a stripper’s nipple is frowned upon.
3. Sometimes you just have to puke and rally.
4. You can’t get into an Obama rally wearing camo and McCain/Palin “Drill Baby Drill” t-shirts.
5. If everyone hates the girl you’re talking to, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
6. Stealing mailboxes is a serious offense in Georgia.
7. If you road trip to an opposing football team’s town, talk as much shit as humanly possible.
8. Beer just plain tastes better in a 40oz serving size.
9. Country Time Lemonade is the greatest punch mixer ever conceived.
10. Shotgunning an original 4 Loko is generally a bad idea.
11. Signing a lease at the fraternity house is like signing away your liver and sleep schedule.
12. Being the coolest pledge is as impressive as winning a Steve Buscemi lookalike contest.
13. Need something? There’s a pledge for that.
14. Drywall and duct tape are the band-aids of fraternity houses.
15. It’s pretty easy to “accidentally” knock over a longboarder.
16. Older brothers are always going to say things were better back in their day.
17. Always break the urinary seal before bed after a night of drinking.
18. Saving your money has never lead to a cool story.
19. The best way to elude a hangover is to start drinking as soon as you wake up.
20. Becoming the drunkest people at a NASCAR race is a difficult but rewarding experience.
21. Making your pledges practice DUI sobriety tests could save their lives one day. Also, it’s funny as hell to watch.
22. “YOLO” is just the girl way of saying “Don’t be a pussy.”
23. Sorority row is the ideal place to take a puppy for a walk.
24. Touchscreen Jukeboxes give way too much power to people with a lot of $1 bills and horrible taste in music.
25. Even shitty sororities have the occasional smoking hot sister.
26. Going out for “just a drink or two” never actually happens.
27. Four years sounds like a long time; it isn’t (neither is five, six is though).
28. Never forget your dip for a long trip to the library.
29. Be sure you check a girl thoroughly for physical deformities before you talk to her all night. Chances are, she’s good at hiding it.
30. You can always be happy at Happy Hour.
31. Never trust a LifeStyles condom.
32. A fifth of liquor on an empty stomach leads to an interesting night.
33. Don’t wear your Costas to Happy Hour if you plan on drinking all night. They will break.
34. If you drunkenly chip a pledge brother’s tooth, you deserve it when he pushes you into a retention pond.
35. A .40 BAC doesn’t always lead to death.
36. Bringing a breathalyzer to a fraternity house is an extremely dangerous move.
37. No matter how many girls in a sorority you piss off, there will always be one that will still sleep with you.
38. The Fire Marshal doesn’t appreciate DayGlos the same way we do.
39. Every Nintendo 64 game can be turned into a drinking game.
40. Anything can be turned into a drinking game.
41. Sorority girls’ moms love attention.
42. Never invite your attractive freshman sister to the fraternity house.
43. Dont tell anyone you have an attractive little sister.
44. College football is the greatest thing on Earth.
45. Pledging is fun, but you don’t realize it until after initiation.
46. You will never have the loudest speakers in the house for long.
47. Dorm life is fucking terrible.
48. Intramural refs deserve to have their testicles removed by a pair of hedge trimmers.
49. Every house should have a Belushi-esque fat brother.
50. You don’t get to go to college twice. Drink every time you can, go on every ridiculous road trip, and have the time of your life on a daily basis. This is not real life, celebrate accordingly.
Good stuff. About to take my last final as an undergrad. Fuck, I don’t want this to end.
13 years ago at 2:11 pm:'(
13 years ago at 2:20 pmYou could always fail it, unless your grade is that high and won’t make a difference.
13 years ago at 2:30 pmFratting is a lifestyle, and that doesn’t have to end.
13 years ago at 2:46 pmdon’t worry bro, now you have nothing to separate yourself from the geeds anymore as one of the cool kids, your high-school like lifestyle is shattered, now, no-one really gives a fuck what frat your in, you could be compared to andy bernard from the office, telling stories no-one really gives a fuck about, enjoy it!
13 years ago at 3:27 pmHaha yeah right Mashholder Stu, you fucking geed. You will always feel excluded, especially when you don’t get that partner gig because a fraternity man got it. In case you didn’t get the memo, we still exclude poor people from shit after college.
13 years ago at 3:45 pmtwo words, double major
13 years ago at 4:12 pmmakes me pretty damn sad to be done with college as well…but hey there is always post grad fratting!
13 years ago at 4:34 pmLive the grad school dream, they start getting wet when you say, “yeah, im in grad school”
13 years ago at 8:31 amderka
13 years ago at 8:49 am^^^^^^ As an alum, I can say you are a dumbass. If you are in an unimportant position, than yes, your fraternal history may not be as important, but if you have any kind of significant job, thats just simply not the case.
Or how else do you explain that 85% of Fortune 500 executives belonged to fraternities?
13 years ago at 11:07 amsame here..sad
13 years ago at 1:25 pmBacon needs to come out with a post-grad list. Sleeping with your boss’s daughter definitely earns the top spot.
13 years ago at 8:45 pm#37 enough said
11 years ago at 10:01 pm51. Every professor you have/ every GDI you meet is a liberal
13 years ago at 2:24 pmSaid the kid in Arts & Sciences. Almost every business professor are openly conservative in any decent business school.
13 years ago at 4:33 pm*is openly conservative*
13 years ago at 4:34 pmnot in the business college
13 years ago at 9:11 pmnumber 6 made me laugh
13 years ago at 2:24 pmGood rules to live by.
13 years ago at 2:25 pmJust finished my last final.
Enjoy it while you can, young ones. One day you will be where I am.
^ Dead
13 years ago at 6:03 pm^^This.
13 years ago at 9:48 pm#50 seems emotional
13 years ago at 2:25 pmNah emotions are NF.
13 years ago at 2:37 pmWas the perfect ending.
13 years ago at 8:30 amgraduation is a horrible prospect. i have a feeling that getting as drunk as i have the last 4 years will be frowned upon in law school.
13 years ago at 2:26 pmPeople don’t start judging your drinking habits until 40. Frat on.
13 years ago at 3:03 pmNot to worry, that’s not true at all.
UVA Law has a free keg in the school every Thursday. And most law schools have Bar reviews at least once a week. Admittedly the amount of people who will rage with you is always disappointingly low coming off of 4 years of constant drinking in undergrad, but you’ll naturally gravitate to the people who will, and it’s not too too terrible.
13 years ago at 4:50 pmLaw school will learn to accept your frattiness. VDBL
13 years ago at 3:27 am#24 @ballsbookstore?
13 years ago at 2:31 pmOr I was thinking Salty Dog
13 years ago at 8:23 pm^both
13 years ago at 8:43 pm#20 is fucking hilarious
13 years ago at 2:41 pm#3. Words of Wisdom.
13 years ago at 2:44 pmThis
13 years ago at 2:51 pmGood ol Puke and Rally.
13 years ago at 4:28 pmNumber 2 and 18. FAF
13 years ago at 2:45 pm