The House Dad’s Summer Report: I’m Losing My Fucking Mind
12 years ago

Let me just start this by saying fuck each and every one of you for the state you left the fraternity house in. Some of us have to live there and take care of things over the summer, and SOME OF US don’t appreciate when you wrap condoms around every single door handle just before leaving. Hilarious, shitheads, but I’m here to tell you we’re going to have some major work to do before Fall semester starts back up.

First and foremost, we need to address the monumental roach colony that’s forming in our pledge basement. I know you guys voted to leave the roaches alone in chapter, for dramatic pledge education effect, but you have no idea how out of hand it’s gotten. There’s at least a 3-inch layer of solid roach blanketing the entire floor. Fucking with pledges is one thing, but I’m mildly concerned one of them is going to get eaten. I’m not sure whether to use bug spray or a M67 fragmentation grenade.

Secondly, let’s talk about bodily fluids. I’m not really sure how, but it appears that every single couch we own has some form of vomit collected upon their once pristine cushions. I’m sorry, but when did our fraternity start letting freshmen girls pledge? You all need to either learn how to handle your alcohol, or learn how to puke outside like a classy sorority girl trapped in a man’s body. Also on the bodily fluids note, I don’t suggest ever trying the “Dateline Blacklight Over the Sheets” routine at the house…I’ll never look at room 3 the same.

Next, we’ve really got to talk about the theft problem. I get it. In my day we would steal street signs all the time for our rooms. But you guys have taken it too far. There are 123 traffic cones in our study room. Why? I have no fucking idea, but I highly doubt any situation in our house’s future will require the use of 123 traffic cones. I’m pretty sure I saw DG’s anchor in there, along with a wheelchair, three mannequins, eight garden gnomes, and thirteen large stacks of student newspapers. I don’t know if there’s a word for a worse version of kleptomania, but every time you little shit sticks drink you come close to it.

Finally you’ve got the major problem at hand: I’m going absolutely bat shit insane. I’ve cleaned every room in the house twice, shot 2000 free throws daily in the courtyard, and constructed a zipline from the roof. As much as I complain about you demon-spawn kids and your tendency to light things on fire for no reason, I miss the chaos and the company. While you all are relaxing and enjoying the summer sunshine, I’ll be playing the role of Hitler in Roach Holocaust 2k12.

You guys keep me up until 5AM on a regular basis, you make passing grad school ridiculously difficult, and you’ve given me illicit drugs without my knowledge at least three separate times. You guys are a bunch of douches, but the fraternity house just isn’t the same without all of you rambunctious assholes here. See you fuckers in Fall, don’t worry I’ll work extra hard to clean the house so you can completely destroy my efforts the first weekend back.

    1. frat_rage_frat

      when you comment first and you a theta chi it is never a win, please go inflict pain upon yourself

      12 years ago at 11:43 am
    3. Whiskey and Butt Pee

      Oh, well then allow me. When; *you’re; yourself.; Not bad, sport! Just a little more improvement and your mother and I can start loving you again.

      12 years ago at 11:55 am
    2. Wayne Fratsky

      Your little sister worked out quite well during the one-on-one interview. Yeah, i think she’ll fit it real well around the house, among other things.

      12 years ago at 11:49 am
    4. The_Chilis_Guy

      ^^^^Nope, not happening. And house dad, while you’re only having to clean a mansion, I’m having to deal with fucking customers every day with a hangover….

      12 years ago at 12:19 pm
    6. TKEActive

      I am Sam

      I am Sam
      Sam I am

      That Sam-I-am
      That Sam-I-am!
      I do not like
      that Sam-I-am

      Do you like
      green eggs and ham

      I do not like them,
      Sam-I-am.
      I do not like
      green eggs and ham.

      Would you like them
      Here or there?

      I would not like them
      here or there.
      I would not like them
      anywhere.
      I do not like
      green eggs and ham.
      I do not like them,
      Sam-I-am

      Would you like them
      in a house?
      Would you like them
      with a mouse?

      I do not like them
      in a house.
      I do not like them
      with a mouse.
      I do not like them
      here or there.
      I do not like them
      anywhere.
      I do not like green eggs and ham.
      I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

      Would you eat them
      in a box?
      Would you eat them
      with a fox?

      Not in a box.
      Not with a fox.
      Not in a house.
      Not with a mouse.
      I would not eat them here or there.
      I would not eat them anywhere.
      I would not eat green eggs and ham.
      I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

      Would you? Could you?
      in a car?
      Eat them! Eat them!
      Here they are.

      I would not ,
      could not,
      in a car

      You may like them.
      You will see.
      You may like them
      in a tree?
      d not in a tree.
      I would not, could not in a tree.
      Not in a car! You let me be.

      I do not like them in a box.
      I do not like them with a fox
      I do not like them in a house
      I do mot like them with a mouse
      I do not like them here or there.
      I do not like them anywhere.
      I do not like green eggs and ham.
      I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

      A train! A train!
      A train! A train!
      Could you, would you
      on a train?

      Not on a train! Not in a tree!
      Not in a car! Sam! Let me be!
      I would not, could not, in a box.
      I could not, would not, with a fox.
      I will not eat them with a mouse
      I will not eat them in a house.
      I will not eat them here or there.
      I will not eat them anywhere.
      I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

      Say!
      In the dark?
      Here in the dark!
      Would you, could you, in the dark?

      I would not, could not,
      in the dark.

      Would you, could you,
      in the rain?

      I would not, could not, in the rain.
      Not in the dark. Not on a train,
      Not in a car, Not in a tree.
      I do not like them, Sam, you see.
      Not in a house. Not in a box.
      Not with a mouse. Not with a fox.
      I will not eat them here or there.
      I do not like them anywhere!

      You do not like
      green eggs and ham?

      I do not
      like them,
      Sam-I-am.

      Could you, would you,
      with a goat?

      I would not,
      could not.
      with a goat!

      Would you, could you,
      on a boat?

      I could not, would not, on a boat.
      I will not, will not, with a goat.
      I will not eat them in the rain.
      I will not eat them on a train.
      Not in the dark! Not in a tree!
      Not in a car! You let me be!
      I do not like them in a box.
      I do not like them with a fox.
      I will not eat them in a house.
      I do not like them with a mouse.
      I do not like them here or there.
      I do not like them ANYWHERE!

      I do not like
      green eggs
      and ham!

      I do not like them,
      Sam-I-am.

      You do not like them.
      SO you say.
      Try them! Try them!
      And you may.
      Try them and you may I say.

      Sam!
      If you will let me be,
      I will try them.
      You will see.

      Say!
      I like green eggs and ham!
      I do!! I like them, Sam-I-am!
      And I would eat them in a boat!
      And I would eat them with a goat…
      And I will eat them in the rain.
      And in the dark. And on a train.
      And in a car. And in a tree.
      They are so good so good you see!

      So I will eat them in a box.
      And I will eat them with a fox.
      And I will eat them in a house.
      And I will eat them with a mouse.
      And I will eat them here and there.
      Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!

      I do so like
      green eggs and ham!
      Thank you!
      Thank you,
      Sam-I-am

      12 years ago at 8:31 pm
    5. Rutherford B_Haze

      ^^ do not bring Frat Hulk into this. I’m sick of seeing his stupid tweets.

      12 years ago at 1:26 pm
    6. Wayne Fratsky

      Oh trust me i detest him and his twitter attempts too, but when it comes to troll smashing, he might prove himself a valuable asset.

      12 years ago at 1:32 pm
    7. LXA637

      Yeah, it’s all the ramming we do around here. Trust me, I don’t really care when people make fun of my fraternity. What fraternity are you in?

      12 years ago at 11:59 am
    12. LXA637

      Obviously LXA. JMU, yeah I know, it’s not fratty, but there is still some southern there. I was going to UVA to be a Sig Chi like my older brother, but I guess that never happened. I got a partial scholarship to JMU so I took that.

      12 years ago at 12:16 pm
    14. Whiskey and Butt Pee

      ^Can you hear this? It’s the world’s smallest violin playing a tune for that sad, sad tale. Transfer to a school that’s worth two drops of Howdy Doody’s piss and then come talk to me, champo.

      12 years ago at 12:23 pm
    16. LXA637

      Sure, I’ll let you know first hand. You got a number I can contact you or email or something? I mean, I just want to make sure you are aware of my well being and what I’m doing with my 4 years of college. I doubt you go to Bama, and Sigma Nu? Sigma Who? You have no right to actually talk. Sigma Nu at Bama, if you are speaking the truth, is lower middle tier at best. lol, you are such a bad ass.

      12 years ago at 12:28 pm
    17. Whiskey and Butt Pee

      4 years at an accredited (barely) institution, and you drop an LOL on this thread? Your parents should have given you the coat hanger. And as for your tier-judgement regarding a school you obviously know nothing about, let’s just say i’d love to get a hold of a little Virgina bitch like you during rush. And mid-bottom tier? What are you again? Lambda Why at JMWhere? Learn your place and get your fucking business degree already, bud.

      12 years ago at 12:35 pm
    18. LXA637

      I do know my place. You obviously don’t, junior. Sorry I hit your nerve when I told you that you were lower middle. Keep making fun of my school, I don’t care. I don’t take this site seriously, neither should you. You keep making yourself look foolish, and you keep showing interest by replying to me. You can have the last word, but just remember that both LXA and SN are great national fraternities. It’s just that LXA is ranked higher. That applies to at Bama too. Don’t act like I don’t know what’s down there, I keep in touch with some brothers and friends there, and I visit every now and again. But, like I tell many ignorant people, try harder.

      12 years ago at 12:41 pm
    19. LXA637

      By the way, your house looks like a Church. Are you guys the really religious, bible-beater fraternity down there?

      12 years ago at 12:42 pm
    20. Whiskey and Butt Pee

      Oh really, Mr. In-Touch? Then you’d know perfectly well that 7 of your brothers dropped this year, as juniors, because the LXA chapter at Bama is such a reject shitshow, and transfered to Shelton, just to escape the utter shame of bearing those letters on campus. Taylor Freeman, you know him? He’s a great one, threatened a cop, got the shit beat out of him, and got dropped after a year and some change.
      Yeah, you guys are “ranked” so well.

      12 years ago at 12:46 pm
    21. LXA637

      Well, if that’s LXA down there, then I’m very disheartened to hear how terrible Sig Nu is. From that conclusion, that must mean Sigma Nu is bottom-tier trash. I guess that explains why you are venting with anger on a unanimous website.

      12 years ago at 12:49 pm
    22. Whiskey and Butt Pee

      You’re god damn right it looks like a church. But no, there is no national affiliation to the church, sorry pal.

      12 years ago at 12:49 pm
    23. Whiskey and Butt Pee

      Try again, this is my IBS shit venting during the day, shouldn’t you be running the register at the campus TCBYs?

      12 years ago at 12:50 pm
    24. LXA637

      Also, for such an “accredited school”, and me going to a “barely accredited school”, you sure but up such weak arguments. I hope for your sake that you aren’t heading into law school after you get your Communications degree. I wouldn’t want you to be my lawyer, that’s for damn sure.

      12 years ago at 12:51 pm
    25. Whiskey and Butt Pee

      Oh don’t worry about me, Freddy. I’m not going into the court-appointed sector, so you won’t be seeing much of me. Stay sharp up there in Vaginia, and remember to send me that info. Oh, and while you’re at it, you mind shooting me some numbers? How many fruits were in your pledge class? What about this year? The year before? Just wondering, if you’re not dieing yet, i’m sure you’ll be out the door soon enough.

      12 years ago at 12:56 pm
    26. TKEpledge

      ^ He called virginia vagina, he’s so cool. You go to Alabama moron, quit acting like you’re a genius and realize that the Edermacation you’re getting will get you laughed at in the real world.

      12 years ago at 12:59 pm
    27. LXA637

      Man you are getting desperate. Well I got to go, but I’ll leave you with this: If you really think that you have to go to a certain school and be in a certain fraternity just to be “frat”, 1. You’ve been severely misguided. 2. Good luck telling that to a brother from the Middle of Nowhere University in North Dakota, hooking you up with a very high paying job. I do pity people like you because you are ignorant to what happens after college. I’ll tell you what my brother told me, you end up like everyone else. It just so happens fraternity men have extra connections. So when you get that high paying job from that brother of yours in the Middle of Nowhere University in North Dakota, or some other God-forsaken state, think of this, because you will surely be ashamed with that extremely crooked biased opinion you have. Other then that, rage hard, rage often, have a good summer. Also, get that anger issue checked out, it’s bad for your blood pressure.

      12 years ago at 1:04 pm
    30. Charleston FratEN

      I think the entire argument was summed up right here:

      LXA637: “Trust me, I don’t really care when people make fun of my fraternity.”

      It must be a strong brotherhood that you have. So instilled with pride for your letters and what they represent…

      12 years ago at 1:26 pm
    33. BossMan DubC

      ^this and ^^this. Other than that, well played #637. The past two hours were an entertaining, intellectual tennis match that made up for the depressing display at the Belmont this previous weekend.

      12 years ago at 1:48 pm
    34. LXA637

      @Charleston FratEN, why yes, we do have a very strong bond. We don’t waste our time worrying about what other people think of us. EVERY fraternity has it’s fair share of haters. Once you let those people get the better of you, you look like your fellow SigNu brother, Whiskey and Butt Pee. Also, I do vote Republican, not those liberal hippy pieces of shit they call Democrats.

      12 years ago at 1:56 pm
    36. BamaForRomney

      ^to the guy way the fuck up there who posted a news link about penguins whackin it, fuck you. I opened that on my work computer, left my desk for a minute, and forgot to close it. So there’s my monitor, with a headline about penguins and their dirty fetishes for everyone to see.

      12 years ago at 2:11 pm
    37. Whiskey and Butt Pee

      ^^^Oh, and try a little harder, that last sentence just wasn”t doing it for me. Maybe throw in a bottle of Makers and a Vineyard Vines keychain.

      12 years ago at 2:14 pm
    38. BossMan DubC

      @ BamaForRomney. sorry about that. just trying to break up the sorority fight going on here with a little twisted humor.

      12 years ago at 2:16 pm
    41. MightBePike

      I was really feeling sorry for LXA637 until I finished reading the entire thing. Gonna have ta’ call troll on this one. He’s very convincing but seeing what a rise he got out of at least one person only to continue the fight just makes me wonder. And if he has been around as long as he says then we would have heard of him by now. So congrats LXA637 you won this fight. Maybe being a pike would have been more convincing see how we seem to have the most butt-hurt feigning trolls.

      12 years ago at 6:19 pm
    44. LXA637

      Yes I was trolling and it was funny. Yes I’ve been around forever, but I only recently, like 6 months ago, created an account to comment on. And I lied about never commenting. I do, just not on columns, usually on the discussion boards, and maybe a TFM every now and again.

      12 years ago at 9:57 pm
    49. pkp896

      I remember yelling at one of the pledges for doing this same thing this past fall. It’s funny and sad at the same time, like a GDI hitting on a sorority girl.

      12 years ago at 10:46 pm
    5. Gabe Ulseks

      hehehehehehe dont you see what i did?!?! I corrected him when he didnt need to so you all would get mad!!! I’m such a funny person 😀

      12 years ago at 6:54 pm
  8. TFM_pledge

    An excellent report sir, if you need more help getting rid of the cockroaches via my digestive system call me.

    12 years ago at 12:46 pm
  11. fratdaly69

    LXA637 I go to JMU and everyone there knows that Lambda Chi is the worst fraternity on campus, so promptly shut the fuck up

    12 years ago at 10:47 pm
    3. LXA637

      Everyone knows LXA at JMU is middle to upper middle, so no, you don’t go to JMU. Stop pretending.

      12 years ago at 10:05 am
    5. I am drot nunk

      ^Dude, they are sooo upper-central-east-port-side-two-on-the-left-up-20-feet-take-a-right-at-the-stoplight-rectangular. You obviously don’t go there…..

      12 years ago at 8:45 pm