Man Goes on 11-Day Soccer & Alcohol Bender; Dies
13 years ago

There are very few things in this world I would consider staying awake a few days for: a Zombie Apocalypse for fear of home invasion, the last wishes of a dying loved one, or an un-timed, no-holds-barred roll in the hay with Brooklyn Decker. A European soccer tournament, on the other hand, is certainly not one of them. Personally, it’s a damn fine reason to go to sleep actually, but apparently crazy soccer fanatic Jiang Xiaoshan of China disagrees. He stayed awake for eleven days straight watching the Euro 2012, and it cost him his life.

The 26-year-old was found dead by his mother after his 11-day football-watching marathon, finally expiring after Ireland’s 2-0 defeat to Italy on June 18.

“We would rest occasionally but he watched everyday and would not miss a single match,” one friend told the Sanxiang Metropolis.

Due to the difference in time zones, the matches started at very early morning hours where Jiang lived. He would come home after work, prop his feet up and started throwing back cold beers and ripping heaters. Sleep deprivation and lack of water would lead to his demise.

When commenting on the matter, Hunan province doctor Liu Zhiling gave insight that can only come from years of medical training: “If you use beer to replace water, that is not good.”

Nine out of ten American doctors disagree.

Reportedly, Jiang supported England and France in this Euro kickball tournament. There you go, kids. Don’t watch too much soccer, but if you do, support a country with a little testicular fortitude.

  3. Lld3

    Moral of the story – if you watch soccer you deserve to die. Fuck you for this lame ass story Dorn, half-assing on a Monday.

    13 years ago at 9:17 am
    2. fratsofourfathers92

      Probably not. Most people that don’t play soccer aren’t well coordinated with their feet or athletic at all.

      13 years ago at 3:22 pm
    3. Strictly Anal

      ^You’re absolutely right. Football players, especially wide receivers or running backs, have absolutely no foot coordination and are not remotely athletic. And just because soccer requires athletic ability does not mean the sport isn’t filled with European fairy fucks.

      13 years ago at 6:57 pm
    4. frattyaggieWHOOP

      What kind of sport doesn’t require you to use your upper body or have any coordination in your hands and arms? oh ya its soccer. I bet most soccer players can’t catch anything but dicks.

      13 years ago at 12:35 am
    3. TheFertileTurtle

      What I really wanna know, is how one stays awake for a baseball game?…

      13 years ago at 6:53 pm
  8. F Scott Fratsgerald

    ESPN giving more coverage to a sport most Americans don’t give a fuck about than to any womens sport. TFM

    13 years ago at 12:38 pm
  10. Richard Head

    He died from the gayness of soccer, not sleep/water depravity or excess of alcohol. Come on Dorn, get your facts straight at least.

    13 years ago at 6:36 pm