Patrick Bateman suspecting everybody that went to Yale is a closet homosexual who does a lot of cocaine. TFM.

The_ChiIis_Guy

What the hell would you do if you only got hats for your birthday? Like, if everyone who got you a gift that year decided that the best possible thing for you was a hat. Lets say you got eight gifts that year, and they were all hats. What does a person do at a time like that? You’ll inevitably upset someone who gave you a hat, because you clearly can’t wear all eight hats at once. You can’t just wear your favorite one all the time either. If I got my friend a hat for his birthday, and then I saw him wearing at least seven other hats, I would feel like my gift wasn’t appreciated, reducing the likelihood that I will get him a gift next year, or remember to feed his animals when he goes on vacation.

You can’t just not wear any hats either, because then you’ll just upset everyone who got you a hat. You’ll constantly be asked about the status of the hat you were given, to which you will have to respond with a lie about how it was run over by a small child in a riding lawnmower, or eaten by a raccoon that got into your recently constructed hat closet. This is no more an acceptable solution than just wearing one hat.

You could potentially keep all of the hats on your person at all times, so that they can be interchanged when near each individual hat-gifter. The only downside here is looking ridiculous constantly carrying around eight hats in any number of hat-compatible bags, boxes, or packs. This, however, is not an acceptable solution either, for you’ll be, once again, asked a hailstorm of questions as to the contents of your bag, box, or pack by every remotely interested person who passes you by. Explaining the entire situation will begin to take more and more of your valuable time, and eventually, out of misguided wit and having been annoyed by endless questioning, you will answer sarcastically, “A bomb,” to which the undercover police officer you all-too-slowly snap out of your daze to realize is actually wearing a full police uniform springs his tazer at your neck, sending you sprawling to the ground, your hats spilling out onto the dusty tile floor.

There seem to be too many ways to handle this situation ineffectively than effectively. It seems that all one can do is prevent the situation from ever occurring. This could tactfully be done by declining all presents vehemently, even to the point of inventing flimsy excuses for leaving in a rush when approached by a potential hat-gifter. You could say, “Oh shoot, I’m late for my surgery,” and later, post-op, when asked about the procedure, you could just say that it did not go well and that you do not want to talk about it. Show them your scar from when you tried to jump that fence in middle school. You could also tell them that it was lung surgery so you really should be talking. That’s just one example, though, and it’s not a particularly good one.

It’s best to just make your personal vendetta against hats well known, so that any hats received would be done purely as gag gifts, not expected to be worn, but still expected to be appreciated for the obvious attention to detail they represent. Nothing says, “I know you on a personal level,” like getting someone a gift they obviously don’t want. I hope this has been some help to anyone in desperate need of a way to avoid the dreaded all-hats birthday, as has been the downfall of so many once-great men.

13 years ago at 2:53 am