A House Divided: Juuls Vs Traditionalists

PortlandPledgeHazers7 years ago

Practically every morning’s wake up call in my fraternity house is the same; the sun shines through my window, music blasts from a few doors down, birds chirp and two brothers can be heard arguing about finishing someone’s Juul pod from all corners of the house. Echoes of “What the fuck?” and “I know you were hitting my pod so Venmo me five you dickhead,” pierce the morning air as other brothers come running to the scene to see what’s going on and try to capitalize off some poor bastard’s need for pods. As half the house runs to weigh in on the Juul commotion the other half dons their finest robes stolen from previous formal hotels and head out the front door. This group is known in the house as the “traditionalists.”

The traditionalists scowl and shake their heads as they pass the scene of the Juul crime. Rather than get caught up in the “Robot cock drama,” the traditionalists grab their Marlboro Reds and Copenhagen long cut and head out front to the bench to enjoy their morning binge while casually rating every female that passes by. Once the traditionalists re-enter the house for the next hour before their next trip to the porch they are met with a barrage of jeers from the Juulers. “Good luck getting laid with mouth cancer, Scott. Tom, you smell like you spent four weeks smoking and playing penny slots in Atlantic City.” This ribbing is met with retorts of “I hope that douche flute blows up in your mouth, enjoy your fruit-flavored tobacco, pussy.”

Even after the real arguments end, the war never stops. There is incessant back and forth debating that Juuls are actually just the same thing as cigarettes and that chewing is a surefire way to lose all of your teeth and never feel the warmth of a woman again. Regardless of the never ending disputes, the respective sides of the war are unwavering. The Juul team continues flicking their pods and begging for chargers while the cig team makes the great migration to the front porch at least once an hour unless they’re drunk. In that case, you’ll find them smoking anywhere in the house. Both the Juulers and the traditionalists are certain that their way of ingesting nicotine and carcinogens is the best way.

Possibly the greatest mystery behind this war is how it all began. No single brother can mark a date that the animosity began. While sides of the great battle are set in stone, those fighting for their choice of tobacco can hardly even remember why they picked their side. Was it the Parish they were born in? Was it their parents’ income? Nobody knows, but the Juul vs traditionalist divide will only continue to widen..

Image via Wikimedia Commons