A Tale Of Two Failing Organizations

WJ Cope7 years ago

Tuesday, October 31st, 2017- 1:44pm

Cleveland Browns HQ Berea, Ohio

Sashi Brown, Executive VP of Football Operations: “So how do we feel about A.J. McCarron? I know we’ve been going over this for months, but this is the last chance we have to make a move until the new league year. Just a reminder, the trade deadline is 4:00pm Eastern today. Eastern. For those of you that don’t know, Ohio is in Central time, so we only have until three to do this thing. Any final thoughts on the proposed trade?”

Andrew Berry, VP of Player Personnel: “I mean, the kid’s got potential in this league. Good arm, very accurate, goes through his reads, he can make any throw in the book. Hell, I bet Kizer has already thrown four picks since our meeting started, so I definitely think we need to seriously consider bringing in McCarron. He’s head and shoulders better than anyone we’ve got at the moment.”

Sashi: “You bring up a lot of good points. But is this really the guy we want to be the face of our organization? We don’t have much tape on him, and I’d hate to whiff on this fucking thing again.”

Tau Eta Eta Fraternity Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Richard “Dick” Sellers, President: “So man, are you all ready to turn in our yearly evaluation report?”
John Burkhart, Secretary: “The what now?”

Dick: “The evaluation report. You know, the thing that nationals judges us by for the coming year? The paperwork that you should’ve started on back in January? The one that has to be received by our nationals HQ in Virginia by 4pm Eastern today? Is any of this ringing a bell?”

John: *Sweating* “Uh, yeah, of course! I’ve been working on that this whole time. Let me just, uh, grab my computer and make some finishing touches.” John takes off up the stairs, tripping on the top step before bolting into his room.

Dick (to himself): “I knew it. We’re fucked.”

2:05 pm

Browns HQ

Sashi: “Okay, we’re getting down to the wire here. The fucking Bengals are out of their minds, they want a second and a third pick for this guy? I’m just afraid they’re going to call again and say they want to fuck my wife and rent out a room in my house while they’re at it!”

Andrew: “Look, this can be a good value for us. A second and a third? We were probably going to blow those picks anyway! I know McCarron’s only started a few games, but he’s had four years in the league, two of them under our own head coach. He’ll be ready to go, I can promise you that.”

Ryan Grigson, Senior Personnel Executive: “I say screw McCarron, why don’t we go for a more high-upside guy like Scott Tolzien or-“

Sashi and Andrew: “Shut the fuck up, Ryan.”

Tau Eta Eta Fraternity

Dick: “I can’t believe it. You’ve had all fucking year to do this paperwork! You’ve even shown me drafts of the work you did over the past few months. Where is all that stuff?”

John: “Well…I would just repurpose an economics paper with a few nationals references thrown in so it looked like I was working on it.”

Dick: “You went through all that effort when it wouldn’t have taken much more to do the actual paperwork? That’s astounding, man. I’m speechless. No wait, I’m not speechless. The deadline for submission is in less than an hour! We need to get something turned in. Go get the pledges.”

2:36 pm

Browns HQ

Andrew (Pointing to a monitor): “Look at that throw. That’s what we get with this kid. He’ll stand calmly in the pocket, go through his progressions, and deliver the ball on a dime. Great pocket awareness, good instincts, quick feet. He gives us a better chance on Sundays. I’d say let’s go ahead and give them the picks, this is our guy.”
Andrew: “Alright then, I’ve got an email drafted up with the terms of the trade. Can I get you to look over this thing real quick so we can get it sent out to the League Office?”

Sashi (Putting on his coat): “I’d love to, man, but I’m actually headed to a nearby watering hole to take the edge off of this garbage season. They do three-dollar Moscow Mules from noon to three. You can come along, but we have to hurry. Just have the interns do the fucking trade, it’s not rocket science. They literally have to review it and hit send.”

Andrew: “Well, alright. I guess I could use a few drinks. Let’s get out of here.”

Tau Eta Eta

John (To Dick): “I can’t believe it, this is actually working! These pledges are typing at a mile a minute. There are absolutely some ethical concerns with forcing them to pop 20 milligrams of Adderall each, but we can worry about that later.”

Dick: “Just be glad you’ll still have an exec position when this is all said and done.”

2:59 pm

Gordy’s Pub, Cleveland, Ohio

Sashi: “I did not think I’d down this many Mules before the trade deadline. Say, how do you think those interns handled things back at the office?”

(Meanwhile, back at Browns HQ)

Intern 1: “The fucking DocuSign. We forgot to sign the form! That fucking trade isn’t going through! Let me try to refresh and send it again.”

Intern 2: “Looks like the Wi-Fi is out, I’m going to reset the router. Shit shit shit shit shit.” He scrambles over to the router and mashes the reset button.

Intern 1: “Okay, did you press it? Good, good, it’ll just be a second. Aaaaaaand….we’re back. Just going to pull up the original email, and….oh fuck. Fuck.”

Intern 2: “What is it?”

Intern 1: “These computers here are a few minutes slow! My phone says it’s already 3:02! Oh Jesus, we’re so fucked.”

(Meanwhile, at Gordy’s Pub)

Sashi: “It’s weird, I still haven’t gotten a confirmation from the League Office about this trade. Let me make a quick call and see what’s up.”

After speaking with the League Office for a few minutes, his expression contorts into one of blind rage. “FUCKING INTERNS!!”

Tau Eta Eta

Dick: “Come on losers, we have to get this thing sent off now!”

Pledge 1: “Okay, okay, it’s just about ready. Let me enter in the email address and chapter info….good. Okay guys, it’s off into the airwaves.”

Pledge 2: “What the hell is the attachment on there? Looks like way too small of a file size for it to be our evaluation report.”

Pledge 1: “Oh…oh no. Oh no. I must have accidentally attached the paper I was working on for my gender studies class!”

Pledge 5: “You’re telling me we just sent ‘The Clitoris in Popular Culture: An Analysis’ to NATIONALS!?”

Dick and John: “FUCKING PLEDGES!!”.

Image via Shutterstock