A Timeline Of The Night Before My Last Final

StuffFratPeopleLike12 years ago

5:00 PM Text 3 different adderall dealers to ensure productivity. Unwrap recently purchased textbook and beer.

5:03 PM Close textbook and admit temporary defeat. Chug beer and head to study room.

5:05-5:30 PM Get distracted en route to study room, play quick game of Madden. Lose by 25 to the Dolphins.

5:30-5:35 PM Scan test bank, realize there is never anything useful in there. Thumb through old C+ essays by retarded brothers from 1986.

5:36 PM Response text from Brain Steroid Dealer #1. Just sold his last few. Odds of a successful night of studying becoming slim.

5:37-6:00 PM Chicken Parmesan night for dinner at fraternity house. All other priorities take back seat.

6:00-6:15 PM Fruitless lap around fraternity house searching for old notes. Come back to room and lay down for “just a second.”

6:15-10:00 PM Greatest nap of my life.

10:01 PM Check phone, 2 unread messages. No adderall to be found. Begin realizing imminent disaster.

10:02-10:10 PM Only 10 hours to test time. Grab textbook in drowsy daze and head to library.

10:10-10:30 PM Arrive at library, realize I grabbed the wrong textbook. Retrace steps and grab the correct one.

10:31-10:45 PM Find a 20mg addy stashed in drawer of desk. Rejoice the gods of prescription drug abuse. Pop pill, and sit around to wait for it to kick in.

10:45 PM Notice that room is looking a little dirty.

10:46-11:30 PM Clean every surface of room.

11:31-11:45 PM Rearranging all shirts in closet by color.

11:46 PM Realize I’m not sure what chapters are on the test. Grab laptop to look up syllabus.

11:47-12:19 AM Stumbleupon.

12:20-12:35 AM Casual masturbation session.

12:36-12:45 AM Realize how close test is. Grab correct textbook and head to library for the second attempt.

12:46-1:30 AM Searching for a seat. Eventually locate one in eerily dark corner on fourth floor.

1:31-1:45 AM Attempting to figure out most comfortable way to sit in mental hospital-esque library chairs. Make absolutely no progress.

1:46 AM Open textbook to first chapter on exam. Grab highlighter and begin to read.

1:47 AM Last remaining lightbulb in sketchy corner goes dead. Seat now effectively useless.

1:48-1:55 AM Searching for a seat with acceptable lighting conditions. Find one at large table with fraternity brothers.

1:56-2:20 AM Listen to brother’s elaborate story about weekend antics. Get angry looks from nearby Asians after laughter.

2:21-2:30 AM Scan Pandora stations for perfect study playlist. Alternate between Young Jeezy and Alabama Radio several times before deciding.

2:31-3:15 AM Highlighting random passages in textbook.

3:15-3:30 AM Re-read highlighted text, realize that marking the phrase “For most businesses” in chapter 17 was unnecessary.

3:30-3:45 AM Actual, legitimate, focused studying.

3:45-4:00 AM Stare at open page of textbook.

4:01 AM Notice how very few of the people left in the library are speaking English. Become uncomfortable.

4:02-4:15 AM Admit defeat, return home.

4:16-4:18 AM Lay down in bed with textbook, start reading.

4:18-7:50 AM Pass the fuck out. Wake up to cellphone alarm and make it to test just in time.

8:00-9:30 AM Take exam. Struggle.

9:31-9:45 AM Exit exam room, return home and shotgun beer to celebrate.

9:46 AM Check test answers online. 72. C’s get degrees baby.