Adventures in Being a Huge Drunk Asshole

I spent this past weekend in Chicago for a pledge brother’s bachelor party. It was, to put it mildly, a shitshow that would have made my parents cry and probably have killed lesser men.

A lot of interesting things happened. There was my pledge brother’s post grad GDI friend who dropped cocaine on the floor of a bar’s bathroom and then proceeded to lick it up because, I don’t know, he sucks? There was the cab driver who asked us if we needed any lady advice, to whom I replied that I didn’t know what to do about my girlfriend who had a miscarriage fetish. According to the look on his face after I said that, I’m a psychopath. There was the bar we got kicked out for playing “the pick up line game,” which if you aren’t familiar involves picking out a girl and forcing your friend to say the creepiest thing possible to her. We got booted after I made one of my brothers walk up to a plus sized female and say “Nice mom butt, let’s say I get you pregnant and make that thang official.” Running from bouncers is hard when you’re crying laughing, by the way. There was also this picture, which I do not recall taking but will cherish forever.

Would you believe someone actually had sex with that guy? That night? She was a saint (and a former sorority president at Mizzou, hilariously enough). I had a really tough time holding back the “You SO look like a real actual hooker right now” giggles as I escorted her from the hotel, put her in a cab, and gave her a twenty for the fare.

I’m tempted to write an entire column on the bachelor party, but it would the ultimate TL;DR considering that most of you Downs havers can barely get through thirty point lists about the habits of GDIs without screaming “WHERE’S FAIL FRIDAYYYY!?!?! DERRRRPPPPPPP!!!!.”

Instead I’ll relay my favorite moment of the trip. I should note that this isn’t a highlight moment. While it’s fun to get titties in your face or have a random hookup, and fun to hear about that stuff, I’m always more amused by the little things. That’s my Arrested Development fandom on full display. This anecdote from the weekend wasn’t the craziest part of the trip, not by a long shot, but it was definitely the best illustration of just how belligerently drunk my friends, and especially I, were. Three fourths of this was retold to me, because I honestly don’t remember.

This all happened in and around a very awesome Chicago bar called Sedgwick’s. It’s a Mizzou/Cardinals bar and we were there to watch Mizzou get throttled by South Carolina. You know you don’t belong in the SEC when you lose to a top ten team on the road. Oh wait.

Anyway, after pounding gallons upon gallons of beer at Wrigley I was already belligerent. Upon walking into Sedgwick’s I was pretty much immediately greeted by a guy named Brandon, aka @StelloLikeItIs, who was an ATO at Mizzou and a fan of TFM. Without hesitation he started pouring “Tiger Bombs” down my throat. Other than pure evil I’m not really sure what was in those drinks. They did not help matters. By 5:00pm my soul had been bludgeoned to death by Bud Light and Tiger Bombs, and other than my immediate friends I had no regard for any other human being’s comfort or wellness. I told one of my pledge brothers that I was starting to fade and needed to go across the street to the Walgreens to get a 5 Hour Energy. He agreed to come with me, I assume to make sure I wasn’t killed in traffic.

Once I was in Walgreens I decided that I also needed Vitamin Water to rehydrate and a RedBull along with a 5 Hour, to kick start the energy revival. My other pledge brother later asked me why my heart hadn’t exploded. The line for Walgreens was pretty long so they opened up a second register. Even though I was at the very back of the line I happened to be right next to the newly opened second register, so I casually slid over and was magically first in line at the new register.

Apparently that didn’t sit well with some whiney dickbag who was in line in front of me at the other register, because he immediately protested, saying, “Hey, I was in front of you! You can’t do that!” Once again being casual, I politely said, “Fuck off” and tried to go about my business buying my much needed revival kit of Vitamin Water, RedBull, and a 5 Hour. According to my pledge brother I had actually already downed the 5 Hour, was drinking the open RedBull, and planned on putting those empty and half empty containers on the counter along with the unopened Vitamin Water.

The guy persisted, demanding that I let him get in line in front of me. I had been talking to this asshole for three seconds and I was already tired of him. At this point I decided to pull a power move, DadBoner style. No seriously, one of the few things I remember was that I was so drunk I legitimately let DadBoner’s methodology guide me. Power Moves. Resolved to make this guy look like a piece of shit that he was, I leapt into action. This was the interaction, according to my pledge brother.

__________

Me: You in a hurry, guy?

Guy: You were behind me in line.

Me: (*scoffs*) So?

Guy: I should be in front of you!

(*I look in his hands, see two RedBulls and some candy or something*)

Me: (*to the store*) Hey everybody! This guy’s in a hurry! He’s got places to be! Look out for this guy! (*to the guy*) Here you go chief!

(*I yank everything out of his hands, slam them on the counter, slam my things on the counter, the cashier and guy are bewildered, my pledge brother is laughing hysterically*)

Me: (*to the Cashier*) I got this guy. He’s in a real fuckin’ hurry, THIS GUY! (*points at guy*)

Guy: (*bewildered*) No, you don’t…don’t…

Me: No no no no no no no no. I got ya, buddy. I know how living the fast paced life is. Waitin’ in line? Fuck that shit! Amiright! (*hands Cashier a credit card*) Run it. All of it. (*To the store*) ANYBODY ELSE?

__________

After I was done paying I shoved the guy’s stuff back into his arms, said, “Have a great day champ, glad I could help,” and walked out of the store while he stood there like a deer in headlights. Unfortunately, unlike an actual deer in headlights, he wasn’t hit by a speeding truck moments later.

My pledge brother and I stood outside the Walgreens across the street from Sedgwick’s as I drank my Vitamin Water. I had literally maybe taken five sips when the asshole from inside walked out and looked at me. For whatever reason (because I’m a drunk ass) I immediately turned, threw my full bottle of Vitamin Water as hard as I could against the wall of the Walgreens, and shouted “FUCK THIS VITAMIN WATER! I’M IN A FUCKING HURRY TODAY!” The guy scurried off. Then we went back inside and, uh, well I don’t really know.

That little interaction sums up that bachelor party weekend better than all the tits and illicit activity ever could. Just a bunch of drunk assholes being huge drunk assholes throughout the city of Chicago. God it was great.

***


    1. Will Ferrell

      The story was great and all but I give a lot more fucks about THE NEXT FRAT ROMANCE NOVEL than what you did over the weekend.

      12 years ago at 10:20 pm
    2. ThinkThereforeFRAT

      Will brings up a good point. I think this was a fine, neigh, good article and appreciate the way the entire story was demonstrated in the microcosm of this power play. Nonetheless, the next Frat Romance Novel is something to which I am looking most forward.

      12 years ago at 9:29 am
    3. futureleader14

      ^neigh? what are you, a fucking pony? I think the word for which you were looking is “nay.”

      12 years ago at 3:08 pm
    1. Rob Fox

      In the words of Chicago’s greatest citizen: DOOOOONNNNNNTTTTTT CAAAAAARRRRRREEEEE

      12 years ago at 3:16 pm
    2. alexhartsuff

      Motion to let Bacon make this a weekly article as long as he doesn’t post more pictures of himself. Or, gets rid of his undershirt. Either one.

      12 years ago at 4:28 pm
    1. BamaForRomney

      ^This. Chicago is undeniably the least frat major city in America. LA is a close second, but even it isn’t as hipster and liberal. The girls are trash too

      12 years ago at 5:09 pm
    2. This Fuckin Guy

      Chicago has, without a doubt, the biggest population of fucking douchebags. Now before all you Chicago pussydicks begin talking about how “The north side of Chitown is rich as fuck bro!” just know that no on cares.

      12 years ago at 9:55 pm
    3. grandfrat

      no, I’m sure you guys are “super rich” and all…bbbbuuuutttt no one cares

      #justnoonecares

      12 years ago at 11:26 pm
    4. Spartan_Pi_Kapp

      You wanna know what we Chicagoans think of your opinions?

      Absolutely fucking nothing

      You are all on par with gdi’s trying to vie for our attention
      Go fuck yourselves

      GO BEARS

      12 years ago at 12:43 pm
    5. Six_Thirty

      Sorry dude. I can’t hear you over the sound of John Hughes movies and the 3rd largest economy in the world.

      12 years ago at 7:46 am
    6. IFWT

      You want to talk about douchebags? Look no further than Long Island. That’s the landfill that spawned the jersey shore crew, which fueled the whole douchebag-guido movement.

      12 years ago at 1:51 pm
    7. Dorns_Boy_Toy

      If any of you self-proclaimed “wealthy” southern in-breds moved to Chicago, you would be considered poor.

      12 years ago at 2:58 pm
    8. This Fuckin Guy

      Just because things cost more in Chicago, doesn’t mean you are any more rich. Shithead.

      12 years ago at 4:21 pm
    9. BamaForRomney

      I’ve visited Northwestern before, and I went around Evanston while I was there. It’s clearly shows you Chicagoeans don’t know how to have nice things when it comes to wealth. It’s a bland city. Just compare your architecture to that of the South or the NE coast. I said Chicago is NF, not that it doesn’t have money. How were your tailgates this weekend at all those hipster schools?

      12 years ago at 7:55 pm
    10. Dorns_Boy_Toy

      Evanston isn’t even that nice. You need to go further north to Winnetka, Lake Forest, and Kenilworth.

      12 years ago at 8:30 pm
  1. TrickleDown

    Fucking great. That’s the type of power move that will get you chest beefers from coast to coast.

    12 years ago at 2:50 pm
  2. Drink Responsiblyish

    The whole point that I got out of this story is that there’s a Cardinals bar in Chicago I didn’t know about.

    12 years ago at 2:50 pm
    1. Tallapoosa Snu

      ^I pity your life. I hope you get incurable cancer, AIDS, and sepsis from being raped in the ass by a large black man and die slowly and painfully, shitting the bed, vomiting bile and blood, and bleeding from every orifice of your body while your disappointed and ashamed mother sits beside you and watches you shrivel into a pain-filled shell of a human being for months before your parents decide to pull the plug because they dont want to waste more money on treatment and watch you die, all while smiling proudly at the fact that they were personally responsible for ridding you from the human race before you could tarnish the lives of others and your family name, and offering you only the last words you hear from the only ones you thought gave even one fuck about you whisper in your ear “We spent our retirement funds to keep you alive only to see you writhing in inescapable pain for months because you were a mistake and we’ve always hated you and regretted not aborting your socially inept, miserable, pitiful, moronic, mentally fucked self” before you enter the gates of hell and the devil himself spikes your skull into a pool of boiling hot bull semen like a Gronkowski touchdown.

      12 years ago at 7:03 pm
    2. 1844_The_Win

      Motion to make Bacon wear a Go Pro when he goes out so we get the stories without having to read.

      12 years ago at 8:30 pm