America: Big Swinging Dick Of The World, Part 10 Fuck Hippies

RageTheory10 years ago

America is the greatest country on the planet for many reasons. Unlike other asshole countries, we have the freedom of speech. We allow liberals to voice their communist filth without any threat or persecution. America allows hippies to peacefully protest because the military industrial complex knows that protesting doesn’t do shit. You can say whatever you want, but as soon as you pick up a rock, you’ll get fucked in the face faster than you can say, “Damn the Man.” That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force the world has ever seen.

CS Gas

CS gas was made right here in America and it’s the golden standard for tear gas around the world. When it gets in your eyes, it stings worse than sucking a flaming Dr. Pepper straight out of Satan’s shiny red asshole. It’s usually the first tier response when dealing with hordes of worthless hippies. They make a big deal about it in the media, but tear gas is honestly the softest way to say “Go Fuck Yourselves, Hippies.” After all, they could just drop a bunch of nerve gas and be done with it. Governing isn’t easy when you’re not allowed to massacre everyone who disagrees with you.

PHASR

PHASR stands for Personnel Halting and Stimulation Response rifle and it’s the coolest plastic toy gun on the planet. It’s also the brightest legally allowable laser weapon in the world. They made it look like a gun because things that look like guns are awesome.

The PHASR is known as a laser dazzler, which is a fabulous word for a non-lethal laser light weapon that disorients you so badly you fall down and/or shit your pants. It’s like doing a power hour with whiskey. You may experience difficulty standing.

There are rules of war (lol) banning the use of laser weapons, but they don’t apply to the PHASR because the blinding blue psychedelic camera flash pulsing inside your head is only “temporary.”

TASER XREP

Riot squads have stepped it up with the addition of shock bullets to their anti-hippie arsenals. The XREP (Extended Range Electronic Projectile) is everything awesome about a TASER, crammed into a shotgun. It’s for those moments when next level shit happens and turns non-violent protests into mosh pits on PCP.

The wireless projectile is the size of a standard 12-gauge shell and can be fired from any pump action shotgun. Not only does it hit you like a rubber bullet, but it also sticks into you like a dart and electrocutes the piss out of you.

The real voodoo is in the waveform of the electricity. It’s designed to mimic natural electrical signals in the body, which means it jams the central nervous system and makes the brain shit itself.

If the barbs on the front don’t penetrate the skin (heavy clothing) there is a hand trap in the projectile that completes the circuit when the dude tries to pull it out. Fricasseed hippie!

TASER Shockwave

When zapping a few choice protestors doesn’t cut it, you might need to electrocute the whole crowd. That’s the idea behind the TASER Shockwave. It was originally designed for barricades to stop suicide bombers. Dubbed “the claymore with a conscience,” each individual unit fires six TASER cartridges at once. Each cartridge fires two probes, for a total of twelve TASER darts in the whole shebang.

An individual Shockwave fires a 25-foot spread across a 20-degree arc up to 100 meters away. They can be stacked horizontally and vertically like big fucking Lego blocks to provide up to 180 degrees of electrocuting coverage. It takes perimeter security to a whole new level. Hippies shall not pass.

Active Denial System

The ADS is the ultimate weapon in the war on wannabie politicians. Nothing makes a liberal forget his pseudo-intellectual bullshit faster than the feeling of being set on fire with a giant laser.

Plagiarizing yourself. TFM.

If you have any suggestions for military weapons or vehicles, leave them in the comments, along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 11 will come soon, but I can promise that I will.

If you missed out on the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick Of The World” series, you can find them here:

Part 9 Drone-A-Palooza (Ripsaw, Shadow Hawk, MQ-9 Reaper, Switchblade UAV, Micro Air Vehicles)
Part 8 (M134 Minigun, V-22 Osprey, DDG-1000 Zumwalt Class Destroyer)
Part 7 (CBU-97, Mk-19 Grenade Machine Gun, YAL-1 Airborne Laser)
Part 6 Throwback Vietnam (Iowa Class Battleships, M50 Ontos, PACV)
Part 5 (XM25, MAARS Robot, Active Denial System)
Part 4 (Phalanx CIWS, AA-12 Automatic Shotgun, B-52 Stratofortress)
Part 3 (MOAB, F-22 Raptor, Ohio Class Submarines)
Part 2 (AH-64 Apache, M1 Abrams, B-2 Spirit)
Part 1 (Aircraft Carriers, AC130 Spectre Gunship, A-10 Warthog, MQ-1 Predator)