America: The Big Swinging Dick of the World. Part Deux.
America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, sandwiches, sluts… but ultimately it comes down to the fact that we are the best at making other people dead. If life is a game, you can’t win it if you aren’t alive. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.
AH-64 Apache
Despite an incredibly NF name, the Apache is by far the most tits helicopter on the planet. The Apache profile is one of the most ubiquitous shapes in military hardware. When people see an Apache, there are only two reactions. You either immediately get a raging red, white, and blue boner or your asshole begins to quiver with fear. It all depends on what side you’re on. When an Apache appears overhead, there is only the horny anticipation of a good gangbang or the fearful realization of a violent rape.
When it comes to firepower, the Apache dishes it out like Eazy E dished out AIDS to early 90’s video hoes. It’s got a 30mm chain gun and pylons on its wings that can be outfitted with several different types of freedom fireworks, including Hellfire missiles and Hydra rockets. The most technologically awesome thing about the Apache is the Target Acquisition and Designation Sights/Pilot Night Vision System, which are housed in the nose of the helicopter. The TADS/PNVS contains all sorts of crazy cameras, sensors, some infrared shit, and lasers, bitch! The whole thing is connected to the pilot through helmet mounted optical sights that track head movements. The M203 Chain gun is fully synched to the pilot’s helmet movements. The pilot simply looks out the window at something stupid that he wants to annihilate and the gun automatically points at it and shoots it to shit. If only Lockheed Martin and Boeing could figure out a way to hook my dick up to an optical targeting system. That way when I’m wasted, I wouldn’t piss all over the place so much.
M1 Abrams
Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of shit heads with AK-47s and pickup trucks more than an M1A1. Ever since WWI, tanks have been ruling the battlefield. The tank is a good gauge of the over all fitness of a military ground force. If you don’t have tanks or if the tanks you have suck balls, your country is probably a country that gets fucked with a lot. Tanks are critical for any modern war and the M1 is definitely the most badass. We ran a train on the Iraqi army in Desert Storm with this monster. The M1 is better, faster, stronger, and sexier than the shitty T-55s that Iraq sucked out of the Soviet Union’s limp dead cock. We were shooting those bitch tanks from 3 times the distance that they could engage us at. Even if they did hit our tanks, their shitty rounds couldn’t penetrate the Chobham composite armor of the M1. The armor has a really douchey name, but that’s just because the British invented it. Despite it’s questionable origins, the armor is incredibly awesome. It is made from ceramic materials, metals, carbon nanotubes, and voodoo. What it’s actually made of and how to make it is a secret. Whatever it is, Trojan should probably invest in it. If that shit can stop high velocity cannon rounds from miles away, it should have no problem stopping my nut armada from ravaging all of my hopes and dreams for the future.
B-2 Spirit
Stealth Bomber pledge sneaks into rival houses like a ninja and top shelfs the toilet in the girl’s bathroom. His identity is shrouded in secrecy and his methods are a mystery. He is only known by the massive upper deckers he leaves in his wake and the untold rumors of horror that circulate Sorority Row. But I digress, back to the B2.
The notorious Stealth Bomber. Everyone recognizes the menacing outline of the B-2. It’s a flying wing that carries huge bombs and is hard as hell to track with radar. At any given moment, America can penetrate deep behind enemy lines undetected and drop a 50,000-pound deuce right into the mouth of our sleeping enemy.
The beauty of the B2 is that it doesn’t leave a paper trail. When we bomb you with a B2, you won’t know it’s coming until it’s too late. No alarms will go off, no red phones will start ringing, and no launch codes will be given. One minute you’re staring blankly at an empty screen, idly masturbating in some backwoods radar station. The next minute you and everything you love (including your dick) melts and turns into carbon in a fraction of a second. One of the main reasons that the B2 is the scariest fucking thing ever created is because it can hold sixteen B83 nuclear bombs in its payload. The B83 is a 12 foot long, 1.2 megaton, nuclear butt fuck. It was designed with one sole purpose in mind: to completely and utterly destroy an entire civilization that threatens the American way of life.
That’s why America is FaF. If you fuck with us, we will black ball you from existence. In one swift moment, America can reformat your cultural hard drive and plunge your godless assholes back into the Stone Age. You’ll never see it coming and there will be no time for retaliation. If you fuck with America, you will die shamefully with your dick in your hand. We will simply carry on as usual… just being the biggest badass on the planet’s playground.
Part 3 coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 3 will come soon, or if it will even come at all. Sometimes I get an idea and I can go all night long. Other times I cum once or twice and pass the fuck out… Deal with it.
If you missed Part 1, check it out here
Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory
In the next issue, include the BLU-82 “Daisy Cutter”. It’s a bomb as big is your Z71 that mows down mountains.
13 years ago at 9:45 pmBarrett .50 cal.
13 years ago at 9:52 pmI consider this one of the most enjoyable columns I’ve read. This is the type of column I like to see.
13 years ago at 10:43 pmThere’s a lot of Air Force on this list already but here’s a few more:
F-15 Eagle
Been in service for 30 years. No USAF F-15 has ever been defeated in combat. Named after our national bird.
B-52 Stratofortress
70,000 lb payload strategic bomber. Fucked up the Viet Cong, and scared the shit out of the russians for 40 years.
Minuteman ICBM
13 years ago at 10:48 pmMissile that can carry up to 10 nuclear warheads at once and rain them on our enemies from space.
NAVY SEALS. TELL OF THEIR TRAINING (BALLHAZING). MUST NAVYSEALS (<VERB) NEXTS FALL'S PLEDGES
13 years ago at 10:54 pmYou sir, should pull your head out of your ass and carry on.
13 years ago at 12:30 pmAs a future Air Force pilot I’d love to see some more bad ass examples of air power such as the already mentioned F-22 or even the MH-53 Pave Low, the most technologically advanced “flying tank” in the world. Some crew served weapons would be cool to see too such as the Browning M2 50 caliber death machine still rippin assholes to pieces after over 70 years in our military, or the Mk 19 40mm grenade launcher my dad used to haze some afghan dumb asses a few months ago.
13 years ago at 11:40 pmI love all the POG hate, it’s not my fault I went to college, got a degree all while still raging face then graduated with a BS and MS degrees in the medical field and became an officer. If it wasn’t for us “POGs” you T.E.Ds (typical enlisted dude = cargo shorts, ballistic eyewear, super tight laced NewBalances, tapout HOOAH tees) Wouldn’t get paid, fed, mail, survive any injuries. Listen I’m all for the HOOAH, but it’s not my fault I’m successful and in charge.
While I’m over here, I continue to see the hate daily. It’s laughable, until the TEDs need something done. Then it’s, “uh, hey sir, can you____?”
No I’m not mad bro, No I’m not butthurt (well maybe a little bit)
CPT Grandfrat
13 years ago at 11:48 pmOEF ’12 (Leaving this bitch on JULY 4th!!..OPSEC hooah)
“If it weren’t for us POG’s you T.E.Ds wouldn’t get paid, fed, mail, survive any injuries.” Wow… don’t overestimate yourself at all. But typical enlisted dudes… handle most of what you listed. It’s the medics or corpsmen that keep us alive long enough to get back to the dr’s who are in the rear with the gear. We are fed by contractors. As for the pay and mail, last time I went into S-2 it was run by enlisted guys with one officer, usually a 1LT or Cpt who doesn’t do anything. Welcome to the reality, until you hit Major, or Lt. Col, nobody really respects you.
13 years ago at 2:01 am-Sgt Old Balls
And by the way, any officer who has the mindset of “i’m successful and in charge” is the sort of officer who gets men killed and their subordinates have wet dreams about fragging them. Guess you missed the part of your training where they taught you to LISTEN and RESPECT the NCO’s that have been doing this before you knew where to stick your dick.
13 years ago at 2:05 amWhile I appreciate any good rebuttal, I have to bring your attention to some “observations” you might have made from my initial rant.
13 years ago at 4:53 am1. No where did I ever say I don’t listen or respect my sr NCOs, I’m NOT a West Pointer, I came up the old fashioned way. So like I always say, “I’m a good officer, and do what TOP tells me what to do.” And I truly live by that statement. I was upset at the backlash from these 11bangbangs who think they can survive without any life support, or us “POGs.”
2. Why would your S2 being running your mail and pay? That is not an official S2 duty; S2 is security and intelligence.
3. The fact that I said I was successful and in-charge are just two simple facts. Yes, by society’s measure I am successful (with no help from my daddy’s connections, etc.) Secondly, I am in charge, that’s a fact. Now I’d be a douche-bag officer if I didn’t listen to my NCOs, hell even my Specialists are bad-ass, no question. Which thereby, allows me to be successful.
4. Let’s be honest, if the Army where the college campus, the Officers would be Fraternity men and enlisted would be at the most pledges. No officer ever goes into the enlisted corps, on purpose, while there are such things as Green-to-Gold and OCS for enlisted to become officers. Officers are the gentlemen of the military, and may not be the work-force or backbone, but neither are most Fraternity men. At any rate, I appreciate your commitment to the military and respect your service none-the-less. So with that, thanks.
Not all officers are douche bags. I’ve met many enlisted men that would disagree and I feel sorry for them for the poor leadership they must have encountered in their time. I don’t understand why officers (or even future officers in my case) get hated on so much just because we made an intelligent decision to get a degree, become officer candidates, and successfully graduate and commission. I would be willing to bet that the majority of enlisted that hate had the exact same opportunity at some point and chose not to take it.
13 years ago at 2:47 pmCongratulations… you know nothing about the Abrams. You didn’t even mention the M1A2 Abrams which dwarfs is SO superior to the A1. You didn’t mention its weaponry, range, speed etc. The Iraqi’s didn’t have T-55’s… They had T-72’s. So disappointed that you really didn’t do your research. How about the fact that the main round is made of depleted uranium and that when it hits an opposing vehicle it goes straight through, creating a vacuum and liquifying the occupants and sucking them out the hole. THAT is badass.
13 years ago at 1:37 amAs a Tanker, I thank you for pointing this out.
If it bleeds, we can kill it.
13 years ago at 3:56 amIraq did have T-55’s. The T-72 was more common but they weren’t Soviet made, so I couldn’t make the limp dead cock joke about them. The truth is my bitch and I bend her over whenever I want. Get it?
13 years ago at 10:29 amHow can you leave out the B-52 Stratofratter. BUFF (Big Ugly Fat Fuck) is the guy we all know and love that you can hear coming a mile away. He shows up to the rival frats party (most likely crashes their formal), Drains the Keg, takes their sluts and gives them the finger as he walks out the door and there’s nothing they can do shit about it because they have just been bombed back to 3 days before the big bang even happened.
‘MERICA
13 years ago at 6:41 amthey they can’t do shit about it because they have just been bombed back to 3 days before the big bang even happened.***
13 years ago at 6:43 amMOAB; it scared people to not attack us just by testing it
13 years ago at 7:08 amF-22; by far the most bad ass plane there is, the plane has restrictions plugged into it so the pilot doesn’t die from all the G-forces