America: The Big Swinging Dick of the World
America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, pornography, flushing toilets… but ultimately it comes down to the fact that we are the best at making other people dead. If life is a game, you can’t win it if you aren’t alive. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.
Aircraft Carriers
If there is any one reason why America can shit on the rest of the world, it’s our aircraft carrier fleet. A Nimitz class aircraft carrier is over 100,000 tons of diplomacy and each one travels with a carrier strike group comprised of an armada of guided missile cruisers, frigates, and destroyers. One of our carrier groups can pretty much destroy most other navies. There are only 21 active aircraft carriers around the world and we own half of those bitches. All 11 of our ships are actually classified as Super Carriers, which are big as fuck. All the other GDI carriers are medium sized, which means they shrivel in comparison to our Magnum XL naval fleet.
AC-130 Spectre Gunship
The AC-130 is one of the most beastly airplanes ever made. It is essentially a flying battleship. It rocks two 20mm, a 40 mm, and a 105 mm cannon. All the guns are mounted on the left side so that the plane can just circle a town and make it rain on hoes all day long. The AC-130 is for situations when you just want to shoot some motherfuckers to death. No bombs, no laser guidance, just good old-fashioned Howitzers. It’s pretty much a Bible Battleship in the sky, punishing all the infidels who don’t worship the one true path of Capitalism.
A-10 Warthog
Some super nerds with small dicks decided to design a huge Gattling gun called the GAU-8 Avenger. They thought for sure that designing the largest rotary cannon in the world would get them a shit ton of ass. Then the nerds realized that no plane existed that was badass enough to carry the beast. The A-10 was designed with the sole purpose of carrying this massive cannon, which fires 30mm beer bottle sized bullets made out of depleted uranium at 4,000 rounds per minute. The A-10 quickly gained notoriety in Desert Storm by leaving behind twisted metal and charred corpses everywhere it went. Nothing is as terrifying as hearing Rammstein blasted over loudspeakers while a buzzsaw-like hail storm of cannon shells destroys your entire village. The nerds triumphed in making one of the most effective air to ground assault aircraft of all time. Unfortunately for them, the pilots obviously still got all the ass. Apparently, even if you design a badass flying death machine, you’re still a nerd.
MQ-1 Predator
We have successfully eliminated the human element when it comes to murdering people from thousands of miles away by using remote control death drones. The Predator is an unmanned aerial vehicle that has an array of cameras and sensors. It also comes equipped with two Hellfire rockets for maximum enforcement of democracy. The whole shebang can be operated from inside a surveillance van. Legislation has made it surprisingly easy to allow the use of Predators for civilian surveillance inside the continental United States. In these strange modern times, a creepy van parked down the street might not be the familiar rape van of your local child predator. It could be the CIA using drones to spy on you while you masturbate. No more getting weird around windows anymore. Have no fear though, soon the Terminator will come back in time to destroy all the drones before Skynet can go online. It seems that the only hope we have left for civil privacy is a fictional robot that is human enough to get elected.
America can get away with murder… literally. If anyone has a problem with what we do, we rape them with our billion dollar dildo launchers from anywhere in the world. No nation has ever commanded such awesomeness in all of history. We don’t give a fuck about the UN or any of the Europussies. We do what we want, when we want and we will destroy this planet before we let anyone tell us otherwise.
Part 2 coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 2 will come soon, or if it will even come at all. Sometimes I get an idea and I can go all night long. Other times I cum once and pass the fuck out… Deal with it.
Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory
Cant wait for US Gov to contract with Apple to make iRifles and iTanks for our boys? Apple Weapons Division? TFM
13 years ago at 1:28 pmWrite a column about the Navy SEALS and all the shit they go through and all the shit they can do
13 years ago at 2:06 pmThat filthy lead slinging animal of a gunboat clearly illustrated in the recent motion picture “act of valor” boats with mini guns FaF
13 years ago at 3:11 pmThose are the SWCC (special warfare combatant-craft crewmen )
13 years ago at 4:17 pmSOC-R
13 years ago at 12:34 pmToo bad we retired the Iowa-class battleships and, even more sadly, never built any Montana-class battleships. Surface-to-surface naval warfare may be increasingly unimportant but their psychological impact alone is/would be devastating.
13 years ago at 12:34 amThe Marine Corps, .50 sniper rifle, Ohio Class Submarines, Navy Seals, M1-A1 Abrams main battle tank, Bradley Fighting vehicle, Tomahawk Cruise Missile, F-22 Raptor, AH-1 Super Cobra. Thats for modern combat.
Historical combat, Marines, recoilless rifle, P-15 Mustang, B-52, The flamethrower.
13 years ago at 1:16 amBradley’s??? The little brother of the armor branch. stick with the Abrams but upgrade to the M1A2 SEP. baddest machine out there.
13 years ago at 2:19 amThe Navy just tested the first ship-mounted laser cannon. ‘Nuff fuckin’ said.
13 years ago at 1:47 pmAC-130 = beast kill streak in MW3
13 years ago at 4:23 pmMH-60
13 years ago at 11:08 amI have to say that when everyone throws Spec Op teams to counter people saying the Marines are the shit, every basic trained Marine gets a chub. Thank you, and my two cents is the .50 Cal(life taker), MRAP (life saver).
13 years ago at 12:10 pmSure the best basic training goes to the marines but that’s just it, it’s “basic” training. You PT, learn to march, to shoot a rifle, ranks, etc. That’s it, it’s not hard. It’s catered to people with no real skill or trade (high schoolers, college grads). there is a lot of truth to saying special forces are better than the regular marines and that’s because of the additional training they get. The attrition rates of spec ops training is really high, with BUD/S being around 80-90% for example. That is why the ones that make it are the best. So a marine who just graduated from basic training should not try and act like he’s the shit because there is always someone better than him.
13 years ago at 12:38 pmWe all know that. That is exactly why it is funny when the comparison is made. Marines are a tough, proud bunch, but we aren’t dumb enough to think we are better than the teams. I believe you missed the point.
13 years ago at 7:34 pmWell put except for the whole nerds with little dicks gay ass comment. The people that create our weapons and have anyhting else to do with the defense of this country are pretty fucking badass and deserve more respect then that even if they arent the ones gettin the pussy theyre still doing a whole lot in honor of making america the big swinging dick of the world
13 years ago at 2:01 pm