if by “stating” you mean “mumbling to yourself” and by “slam” you meant “girl with whom i’ve never had sexual relations” then i’d believe this. and it would still be lame.
When I get drunk, I like to stalk people. Follow them everywhere they go. They get in a cab or car, I’ll follow behind them slowly at pace equal to theirs, always 2 cars length behind them. They get a hot dog, I get a hot dog, etc. While doing this one day I came across a couple. A dark haired man with medium length hair, and this girl who had gorgeous long blond hair. I followed this couple for miles. They were seemingly happy, joyful, in love with one another. The man cared for his girlfriend, and the girlfriend cared for her boyfriend. They ate happily together, eating hot dogs, taking in the city. Always staring into each others eyes with deep glee and happiness. I had never seen so much love between two people. I cared for these two as much as they cared for each other. I would do as much as I can to make sure nothing would ever happen too them. After going ahead of them a bit and beating up hobos, walking in traffic ahead of them to make sure if a car were to come I would take it for them, and any other nuisance there could be. Then it happened. I realized that I am alone. No one. Michelle was long gone for something I do not wish to bring up. Kiki dumped me when she found out I had been having intercourse with hookers then bash their heads in with a baseball bat to gain my money back. Carmen never called me again after our first date, mostly due to me pushing her down a set of subway stairs, then stomping her head into the steps. I never tried any other woman due to me thinking it was pointless at this point. I began to feel sad. I thought to myself, “Why can that man not be me?” “Is he any better than me?” “Why wouldn’t she think of dating me? Get some coffee, even at least TALK TOO ME?” I wanted her. I wanted this mysterious blond with the looks of an angel, and the laugh of a child. I wanted to be that man, I wanted to have what he had, to know that joy of having somebody care for your own well being. I was jealous of the man. I wanted that I could not have, that I desired for so much. The longer I watched them, the longer I wanted to become him, at any cost. The thought of this man touching her, kissing her, loving her… the thought of remorse was thrown to the back of my head as if I had never thought it. I set forth a plan. I will kill him. Take up my new identity as him. And me and the blond will live happily together forever. The couple hail for a taxi and enter one. This was my chance. My moment of truth was here, I could set forth and become what I craved and desired to be. I got in front of the taxi that the couple was in. I pulled the driver out of the cab and killed him in cold blood. The man stepped out, he was ready to kill me. He lusted for blood, the blood of me. I know what I had to do. I empty my shotgun in his face, and he dies. He is no more, this chapter of his life has ended and mine starts. I am now who I always wanted too be. I steal the taxi and drive away with his wife/girlfriend in the back. I had never been so happy in my life! Then…
Screaming.
She screams.
She wants out.
She doesn’t want me.
She fears me, hates me, loathes me. She feels everything towards me, but still does not love me. How could this happen? Why does she not love me? Is there something wrong with me? What could I have done? I’m thrown into a maelstrom of feelings, mostly guilt, and hatred towards myself. But most of all sadness. She doesn’t want me, those words kept ringing in my head. I knew what I had to do. I drive her whilst her screaming like a banshee. I reach my destination, a cliff. I rev my engine. She screams even louder. I drive faster, faster, and faster. Her death curling scream gets louder, louder, and louder. We fly off the edge. Everything is then silent for a mere second. This second feels like an eternity. I know what I am doing, I feel no regret. I am also for the first time in a long time; happy.
The next thing I remember is ordering a beer at bar with a ratchet sloot under each arm. They ask me what I thought of the psycho woman who killed her boyfriend and taxi driver, and then drove over a cliff. I scratch the burn mark on my chest, and respond, “She should’ve worn a seat belt”.
Sometimes a post can be funny just for the notion of said FM taking place. This is an example. He probably didn’t do it, or if he did, he sounded like an idiot, but the idea is funny.
Fire the intern
13 years ago at 6:43 pmif by “stating” you mean “mumbling to yourself” and by “slam” you meant “girl with whom i’ve never had sexual relations” then i’d believe this. and it would still be lame.
13 years ago at 7:05 pmWhen I get drunk, I like to stalk people. Follow them everywhere they go. They get in a cab or car, I’ll follow behind them slowly at pace equal to theirs, always 2 cars length behind them. They get a hot dog, I get a hot dog, etc. While doing this one day I came across a couple. A dark haired man with medium length hair, and this girl who had gorgeous long blond hair. I followed this couple for miles. They were seemingly happy, joyful, in love with one another. The man cared for his girlfriend, and the girlfriend cared for her boyfriend. They ate happily together, eating hot dogs, taking in the city. Always staring into each others eyes with deep glee and happiness. I had never seen so much love between two people. I cared for these two as much as they cared for each other. I would do as much as I can to make sure nothing would ever happen too them. After going ahead of them a bit and beating up hobos, walking in traffic ahead of them to make sure if a car were to come I would take it for them, and any other nuisance there could be. Then it happened. I realized that I am alone. No one. Michelle was long gone for something I do not wish to bring up. Kiki dumped me when she found out I had been having intercourse with hookers then bash their heads in with a baseball bat to gain my money back. Carmen never called me again after our first date, mostly due to me pushing her down a set of subway stairs, then stomping her head into the steps. I never tried any other woman due to me thinking it was pointless at this point. I began to feel sad. I thought to myself, “Why can that man not be me?” “Is he any better than me?” “Why wouldn’t she think of dating me? Get some coffee, even at least TALK TOO ME?” I wanted her. I wanted this mysterious blond with the looks of an angel, and the laugh of a child. I wanted to be that man, I wanted to have what he had, to know that joy of having somebody care for your own well being. I was jealous of the man. I wanted that I could not have, that I desired for so much. The longer I watched them, the longer I wanted to become him, at any cost. The thought of this man touching her, kissing her, loving her… the thought of remorse was thrown to the back of my head as if I had never thought it. I set forth a plan. I will kill him. Take up my new identity as him. And me and the blond will live happily together forever. The couple hail for a taxi and enter one. This was my chance. My moment of truth was here, I could set forth and become what I craved and desired to be. I got in front of the taxi that the couple was in. I pulled the driver out of the cab and killed him in cold blood. The man stepped out, he was ready to kill me. He lusted for blood, the blood of me. I know what I had to do. I empty my shotgun in his face, and he dies. He is no more, this chapter of his life has ended and mine starts. I am now who I always wanted too be. I steal the taxi and drive away with his wife/girlfriend in the back. I had never been so happy in my life! Then…
13 years ago at 8:41 pmScreaming.
She screams.
She wants out.
She doesn’t want me.
She fears me, hates me, loathes me. She feels everything towards me, but still does not love me. How could this happen? Why does she not love me? Is there something wrong with me? What could I have done? I’m thrown into a maelstrom of feelings, mostly guilt, and hatred towards myself. But most of all sadness. She doesn’t want me, those words kept ringing in my head. I knew what I had to do. I drive her whilst her screaming like a banshee. I reach my destination, a cliff. I rev my engine. She screams even louder. I drive faster, faster, and faster. Her death curling scream gets louder, louder, and louder. We fly off the edge. Everything is then silent for a mere second. This second feels like an eternity. I know what I am doing, I feel no regret. I am also for the first time in a long time; happy.
The next thing I remember is ordering a beer at bar with a ratchet sloot under each arm. They ask me what I thought of the psycho woman who killed her boyfriend and taxi driver, and then drove over a cliff. I scratch the burn mark on my chest, and respond, “She should’ve worn a seat belt”.
No one wants to read this much.
13 years ago at 11:52 amJesus Christ man
13 years ago at 9:07 pmSpeaking like some sort of robot to other girls. TFM
13 years ago at 9:11 pmSometimes a post can be funny just for the notion of said FM taking place. This is an example. He probably didn’t do it, or if he did, he sounded like an idiot, but the idea is funny.
13 years ago at 6:01 pm