Beach Sex Is Disgusting And Overrated

Wally Bryton7 years ago

I have had sand in my ass crack for at least eight days now. Pray for me.

For whatever reason, there are a lot people who see sex on the beach as something that’s exciting and fun, with the sound of the waves and the sights and the smells and whatnot. But unfortunately, these people are dead wrong. Beach sex is a dark, disturbing spectacle of Eli Roth movie proportions. It’s dirty, it’s uncomfortable, and there’s a 1% chance of a lobster attacking your foreign parts. Maybe that sounds like a low probability, but when it comes to lobsters disfiguring my genitals, anything higher than 0% chance is way too high.

Sex on the beach is heavily romanticized in our society, to the point where there’s even a damn drink named after this godforsaken activity. Movies definitely don’t help. Hollywood loves to deceive us and make sex on the beach look like a magical experience. The waves are gently splashing over you, the cool breeze is alleviating the summer heat, and there’s beautiful music in the background. What Hollywood films refuse to mention is that the waves are splashing seaweed all over you taint, there’s sand all over your girlfriend’s back and there’s a schizophrenic man beating off to it in the near distance.

I will admit that, IN THEORY, beach sex definitely does seem pretty cool on paper. Beaches are awesome, and sex is awesome, so sex on the beach MUST be awesome. Anyone with half a brain and any knowledge of first grade math knows that when you combine two awesome things, it usually results in something extra awesome. I mean look at peanut butter and jelly, or peanut butter and chocolate. Basically, everything is better with peanut butter added. I think Einstein said that.

But sex on the beach is a prime example of two positives added together and making a negative. I recently tried beach sex for the first time and I’m still trying to psychologically recover what I went through. Me and a girl I’ve been dating decided to try it the other night since we were chilling by the beach. I live in California, so beach sex is available here year-round. It’s a blessing and a curse.

The biggest issue is the sand. Sand gets everywhere and it stays there. It’s like nature’s glitter but it’s less festive and strippers haven’t started wearing it yet. Even when you think you’ve washed all the sand off your body, you’re wrong. Later that day, you’re gonna realize there’s sand in your hair, your butt, your butt hair, your arteries, and your soul. Even if you step on the beach with sneakers on for half a millisecond, you’re somehow going to have sand all over you for at least a full presidency.

We did it at night so the beach was empty, or so we thought. Until a creepy homeless guy charged at us and I thought I was gonna get murdered with my dick out. Not a happy ending for anyone. Please, avoid beach sex. Stick to conventional locations like beds, couches, and churches..

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