Becoming Eskimo Brothers With An MLB Player
I have a new life goal: I want to be Eskimo brothers with someone whose rookie card I have. That’s right, I want to swim in the wake of a major leaguer.
I first got this idea after I fucked my first MILF. I was fresh out of college; she was fresh out of her first marriage. I met a 51-year-old woman named Kim at a country bar. I fucking hate country, but beers were a dollar and it was the only bar within walking distance of my buddy’s place.
During my pick-up attempts, I must have said something smooth like, “Oh my God, you have great tits.” In which she assured me that they were fake, and she had them implanted around the same time my dad was implanting me into my mother.
She continued on her life story, much to my chagrin, informing me how she was going through a rough divorce and how hard it was on her son (who was only a few years younger than me). I feigned interest in her plight, I mean, I was trying to sleep with her after all.
Finally her story became more interesting. She told me how she lived in Vegas during the 80s making a living as a musician. She told me all about how prevalent coke was to the Vegas, hell, all of America’s culture in that decade. Then she told me something that really caught my attention: she used to fuck major league baseball players.
Now I could stop pretending to be interested. Of course, I wanted her to name names. She claimed I wouldn’t know any of them because I was too young. I insisted, but she refused to give up the goods.
Long story short, we hooked up. I didn’t own a bed yet, so the couch sufficed. My first MILF experience was quite enjoyable. She gave good dome, and her manufactured breasts were great to titty-fuck. The only thing that struck me as odd was that she wanted me to take the rubber off before we had sex. She rationally explained that it was unlikely someone at her age would get pregnant. And who am I to question a divorcee? So, I obliged and raw-dogged her.
But it got me thinking, what if she fucked an MLB alum that I’ve heard of? She could have been taken advantage of by a perennial All Star. And, what if I used to have his baseball card back in the day?
Like most (normal) American males, I stopped collecting baseball cards at 10 or 11 years old. But imagine being able to brag about laying pipe in the same vaginal canal as Ken Griffey Jr. or Wade Boggs. Someone straight out of the Fleer ’87 pack, like Dennis Eckersly. Hell, I’ve even settle for taking down the same broad as Fred “The Crime Dog” McGriff.
It would be hard to prove, but imagine the bragging rights of being able to tell your friends that you shared a slam with someone who you pestered your parents to stay after the game for his autograph.
I’m going to get it done, or die defeated.
Big fuckin deal.
12 years ago at 11:13 amJust cruise around a few Hooter’s in Florida and I’m sure you and Chipper can be linked in history forever.
12 years ago at 11:14 amWait so you titty-fucked and got head with a rubber on, but took it off to bang?
12 years ago at 11:15 amLactating AIDS is a real thing now, so I hear.
12 years ago at 3:19 pmWith Chipper in the picture, I was hoping you banged the same Hooters waitress.
12 years ago at 11:15 amGot to the part about how you hate country and stopped reading. Know your audience sport.
12 years ago at 11:16 amI was about to say the same exact thing. Fucking Ohio…
12 years ago at 11:20 amIt was still a good article though.
12 years ago at 2:09 pmTwo of my pledge brothers are Eskimo brothers with Paul Konerko and Dan Uggla, and Justin Verlander, respectively. The Verlander was not via Kate Upton, unfortunately.
You want to be Eskimo brothers with an MLB player, my advice is to meet a chick who spent some time living in Arizona or Florida. The players don’t just spend their afternoons golfing during Spring Training.
12 years ago at 11:17 amUggla, Freeman and others frequent the Buckhead bars in Atlanta as well getting after that fresh post grad ass.
12 years ago at 2:29 pmThanks Capernicus. You mean they have intercourse… with girls?? WHOAA.
12 years ago at 2:55 pmGod where to start with this. I guess, 1) You spelled Copernicus wrong. Laps for being a fucking moron. 2) I’m not quite sure what the guy who popularized heliocentricity has to do with anything I said. More laps for being awful at references. Damn. That was just a poor effort all around on your part.
12 years ago at 4:28 pm^ Good job Bacon, I bet he will wear out his shoes because of those laps.
12 years ago at 6:13 pmYea I would be an eskimo brother with Hudson twice, one girl from the Buckhead bars and one in Auburn but the latter was on her period. When the river runs red, take the dirt road as dad always said
12 years ago at 6:54 pm“I fucking hate country”.. I stopped reading the second I read that
12 years ago at 11:21 amHe got me there too
12 years ago at 12:34 pmYou hate country music? We hate you. Also, if you hate country music that means you hate Faith Hill, and if you hate Faith Hill that makes you gay.
12 years ago at 11:58 amI spend every weekend scouring Knox/Henderson in search of that girl Josh Hamilton raw dogged in the Sherlocks bathroom
12 years ago at 12:38 pmBeen there, done that. Dennis Rodman. Eskimo bros for life bro!
12 years ago at 1:07 pmNot sure I’d brag about Eskimo bro-ing with KJU’s newest pal. Not on this site.
12 years ago at 1:28 pmFucking this
12 years ago at 6:56 pmwe fucked KJU together man
12 years ago at 10:42 am