The Beer Shower: An American Art

TwoCanDan12 years ago

The party is about to hit full force. The weird older pledge just got back from a beer run with a fresh battalion of cases, the fumes from your breath alone could give a small child alcohol poisoning, and people can smell the weird from a solid two block radius. You are firmly planted in your favorite rage post. Most likely a high vantage point (ex: chair, couch, table) to serve not only as a way to cop a look down that double-D’s top you’ve been eyeing all night, but also to make sure everyone in the room can see your glory in its entirety. To make matters better, you realize your favorite song is about to drop. As the song builds, you look at the pack of people in front of you, and can’t help but feel an empty gap inside of you. You know this rage fest has the potential to reach epic proportions, but can’t think of what can bump it into that next level. As the buildup grows, so does that empty pit. You remember that you have a nearly full beer in your hand. The solution hits you harder than the first girl you tried to use the “I swear I thought it was the other hole” line on. So you put your hand over the top of your head, shake it like your first summer break after hitting puberty, and unleash an explosion of liquid gold across the entire room.

A beer shower is a very time sensitive and risky move that has the potential to kill a party. Of course, with high risk comes high reward, and if timed properly it can elevate your party to one of epic proportions. The timing of when to perform a proper beer shower can be related to putting a large log on a fire. Try it too early or too late, and you run the risk of smothering and killing the flame, but if used when the flame is right and ready for it, there is no telling how big it can grow and how hot it can get.

Unfortunately, there are some parties where a beer shower is just not in the cards. I found this out when I drunkenly stumbled into a pregame for some sorority formal and decided it was a great idea to double-fist beer shower the entire room. Not only were girls’ clothes and hair ruined, but I was quickly informed that spray tans can’t get wet for 24 hours, and half the girls looked like they had vitilgo (Disease Michael Jackson had) as a result. For some reason I have yet to be invited to another one of their events.

Besides situational barriers, there are also some locational barriers to deal with. The largest contenders are public places and people’s rooms. Electronics in someone’s room can become a costly loss if you do not properly control your spray. Also, some people don’t appreciate having their closet flooded with beer. To overcome these problems one must first check to see if the person is in the room, and if they are, make sure that they are too blacked out to remember how it happened in the first place. Tailgates and themed events are prime times for executing a perfect beer shower, since everyone is guaranteed to be borderline blackout.

Once you have become more advanced in your timing, you can then begin working on technique. This ranges from beer release all the way to style of performance. It is important to judge which release you think is appropriate. On one end of the spectrum, there is the strong, quick burst. This style can act as an electric pulse when you need a quick boost of energy to the party. On the other side of the spectrum is the constant drawn out spray, which is effective when the party is at its climax. Beyond the release, there are many ways to enhance your performance through style alone. Strength in numbers definitely applies here. It is one thing for the token fat kid with the animal nickname like Toad or Bulldog to sit in the corner and beer shower a group of girls in front of a couple brothers, because “that’s how Boar rolls,” but it’s another when half the party is beer showering while the other half is dancing in the alcoholic rain. A personal favorite is the Pat Riley, which is when the shower is large enough that you are able to slick your hair back like the legend himself.

Of course, if you are trying to class up the typical beer shower, champagne showers always add an extra touch of class to the party. The style of the shower is really up to the user, whether you are showering someone while they slide across the kitchen tables, or simply trying to drown a pledge for being a pledge, the possibilities and applications are endless. When properly harnessed, the beer is your brush, and the world is your canvas.