Fratting Fathers: Benjamin Franklin
12 years ago

Benjamin Franklin was the quintessential American Renaissance man. He was a politician, a postmaster, a scientist, a musician, an inventor, and a diplomat. But did his American dominance set precedence for the modern day fraternity man in any way? You bet your ass it did. His face is on the 100 dollar bill and Nicolas Cage’s character in National Treasure (Benjamin Franklin Gates) was named after him. These two things alone certify his fraternal status. Even if Franklin didn’t have a Nic Cage character named after him, there are plenty other proofs that Franklin was indeed a fratting father. His appetite for legacy building is unmatched by anyone in the history of our country. His journey from working class, to successful businessman, to living legend, to hero status is one that creates awe and inspiration. He was Benjamin Franklin, and he was frat.

Franklin began his professional career as a newspaper writer and editor in Philadelphia. He was born in the working class but eventually published his own newspaper, the Pennsylvania Gazette, and a yearly almanac under the pseudonym Richard Saunders. It was a best seller throughout the colonies entitled, Poor Richard’s Almanac. I’m not 100% sure what an almanac is, but Ol’ Benny knew exactly what it was; a cash cow. Franklin had arrived at fame and wealth through imposing his beliefs in proverbial format into the minds of others, using satirical writing to build his fame and fortune. Had he been a GDI at this point, he probably would have quit and tried his best to look brooding and unhappy with his life and surroundings. But no, Franklin wanted to be a hero and spearheaded the movement to repeal the Stamp Act, getting the ball rolling on the formation of the greatest country in the recorded history of man. Franklin was now a living legend, but he still remained too ambitious to let his legacy die there.

No essay on Franklin could be complete without taking a deeper look at his innovational vision. I consider making a beer bong out of a wiffle ball bat remarkably innovational. But that is just the sign of the times, because Ben Franklin would not be impressed by this feat. Franklin invented fucking bifocals. BIFOCALS. He also thought the stoves of his time were pussy stoves and made a bigger, better, Franklin stove. Franklin also came up with new theories on electricity, clearing the way for Thomas Edison and many other GDI nerds to make the light bulb. Franklin would have been the nicest, friendliest, most innovative pledge brother in the 21st century. “Oh you have a hangover? Let me invent a concoction to solve that right away, but beware if you take too much because it could add an inch to your Johnson.”

Ben Franklin played the violin, guitar, and harp. It can be discerned in a legitimate and scholarly fashion from Franklin’s life that he learned these instruments strictly to make corsets drop. And that he did. After the Revolutionary War Franklin became the first ambassador to France. Scholars say Franklin accepted this role strictly to get puss. Getting drunk and discussing politics with women was a key facet of Franklin’s game. Franklin allowed women to see his soft side and his ideal beliefs for mankind, and then he would pounce. Here is an excerpt from one of his letters to his favorite French mistress Madame Brillon:

“You renounce and totally exclude all that might be of the flesh in our affection, allowing me only some kisses, civil and honest, such as you might grant your little cousins. What am I receiving that is so special as to prevent me from giving the same to others, without taking from what belongs to you?”

My 18th century love letter to 21st century text message dictionary translates that message directly to “Put out, or else.” Franklin also had a bastard child out of wedlock when he was 24 years old. Far too gentlemanly to call for the coat hanger, Franklin manned up and claimed the child as his own. Franklin used this child to fly the kite with the key on it making essential advancements in theories regarding electricity. He loved and raised his illegitimate child, but also acknowledged its bastard status and used it as a guinea pig for the improvement of mankind. All of this makes Franklin a lock for the greatest inventor/pud man combo in our nation’s history.

Besides being a politician, a writer, making awesome shit, and boning married French ladies, Franklin did even more cool stuff than I feel like writing about. Franklin’s frat status is undeniable because A.) Sex is frat B.) Inventing is frat, and C.) Being a diplomat, satirist, postmaster is frat. If you disagree, come to the office and fight me. Ben Franklin = Frat.