Bracket Guy

Dillon Cheverere13 years ago

“Hey guy, how’s your bracket looking?”

Here we go. It’s this damn question again. You know he doesn’t REALLY want to hear about your bracket. This is just a setup. It’s a soft lob over the net so you have to return volley to him, and when you do, he plans on spiking the shit out of it. This pathetic dweeb just wants to go off about how he guessed right on 23 of the first round games of the NCAA basketball tournament. Before you can even get a full sentence out, he interrupts with three minutes of pre-scripted drivel that he learned from the internet earlier that week. Meet Bracket Guy. Meet the annoying, overbearing, unrelenting Bracket Guy. We all have at least one in our lives. And this time of year, we all hate his guts, which is tough because he’s nice as hell. You still want to lock him in a closet until the tourney ends, though. You all know the guy I’m talking about and the traits that describe him. Let’s learn about a few different characteristics of Bracket Guy.

He Doesn’t Have Just One Bracket Filled Out

“Hell yes! South Dakota State beat Baylor in OT. I totally called that one. My bracket is looking awesome right now!”

We get it, man. You’re a damn basketball genius. It had nothing to do with you throwing darts in the dark during bracket fill-out #42. He will never divulge the actual number of brackets he has completed, and are sitting safely on his desk in his cubicle, but it’s safe to use the ‘multiple of 10’ rule. It’s common for Bracket Guy to have upwards of 50 brackets filled out before the first tip, even though he only told you about five of them. It’s his safety net. When he tells you, “Bro, I picked seven teams of the Elite Eight correctly,” he’s not even lying. And yeah, he really did choose Creighton to make the Final 4. But guess what. He was way the fuck off 60 other times.

He Always Likes the Higher Seed

This doesn’t always describe his actual selections, just the inner-dialogue he struggles with while picking his winners. The struggle is between going with his gut (the higher seed), or trying to appear more knowledgeable to whomever has the misfortune of being trapped into reading over his shit, or getting stuck in an elevator with him for 12 floors of straight verbal diarrhea. He’ll even pick a team against his nature for the sole reason of not being the “Highest Seed Guy.”

Alright, time to decide between St. Louis and Memphis in round 1. Well, I have literally never seen either of these teams play before. However, I have actually heard of Memphis, plus they’re the higher seed. I didn’t even know St. Louis had their own university. I have to pick Memphis then, right? Wait, but what if people call me out for just choosing the higher seed? Ugh. This is so frustrating. I don’t want to be THAT guy. Fuck it, I’m taking St. Louis.

Final score: St. Louis 73 – Memphis 71

“Yeah, I just really like their guard play. They matched up well against Memphis.”

He REALLY Wants to Tell You About His Bracket(s)

It all comes down to this final, and most infuriating, characteristic. Bracket Guy just will not shut up. Anyone with a pulse and at least one ear is going to hear about his sleepers, 2nd round matchups, Cinderella team, Final 4 picks, and every mundane detail in between. The only way for him to compensate for his complete lack of athletic ability is to pretend like he knows a lot about it. And it sucks, but you have to hear it.

Bracket Guy is calling in sick Thursday and Friday this week. This is HIS time. There is no way in hell he’s missing the Murray State Racers take on the Rams of Colorado State. And by Friday night, he’ll have already thrown away about 35 of his fucked up brackets. When it’s all said and done, overweight Deb in Accounting wins your office bracket challenge because she liked the colors of the eventual national champions. Bracket Guy is beyond irate at Deb and goes off the deep end with verbally assaulting epithets and threats. After all the dust settles, he cools down and gets his game face back on. He can’t wait to win it next season.

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