Breaking Down the Golf Games of the Two New Augusta Members
12 years ago

Augusta National Golf Club announced its first two female members on Monday, ending an eight decade long ovarian restriction at the esteemed golf club in Augusta, Georgia. This is truly a momentous event for the nation’s most famously private club, which has turned away many well-known, deep-pocketed applicants they didn’t deem suitable for Augusta with the goal of upholding the highest of honor. Only about 300 members have been granted membership. And until this last weekend only men were considered, causing much scrutiny over the years. Accusations were ignored, letters were left unopened, and societal outcries were laughed at. The criticism kept coming, but it was nothing a fat cigar and a smooth 96 among the club board members wouldn’t cure.

Times, they are a changin’, though. The two female members announced were Condoleezza Rice, former National Security Adviser and Secretary of State during the W administration, and Darla Moore, a wealthy financier from South Carolina. They are the first women to be fitted with the iconic green jacket. These are not just social memberships and they’ll be hitting the links, so that begs the question: what kind of game do they have?

“This is a joyous occasion,” Billy Payne, the Augusta National Chairman, said. Slow down there, Billy. Have you seen them swing a stick yet?

Let’s break them down.

 

Condoleezza Rice

Strengths

  • Condi’s huge off the tee. Just enormous. She has a beautiful, casual, elongated backswing, but then she comes around and squares up on the ball with authority. Given the short distance advantage of the women’s tee box, I can see her reaching a couple of the short par fours. She does tend to stay open at times and push the ball to the right, but when she comes through the ball and whips that club head around like I know she can, she really gets it out there.
  • She’s very crafty around the greens. This isn’t surprising given her calm, soothing demeanor. She’s just smooth as silk with the 56 degree in her hands.
  • Cusses like a drunk sailor. This surprising attribute isn’t exactly a strength of Rice’s game, but those in her company tend to enjoy it. The transition from graceful Condoleezza in the business suit to “Cursing Condi” on the links is a sight to behold from what I’m told.Weaknesses
  • Can’t read a green for shit and really struggles with ball speed. Just an abysmal putter. She moved to a belly putter briefly last year, but it only led to poor habits. She ditched it and went back to the traditional flatstick and still struggles.
  • Her mid-range game can only be described as adequate. I’d argue it’s a little south of adequate, to be honest. She often plays a punch, even from as far as 160 out, to get herself in chipping range.
  • Constantly rips heaters as a crutch to cool her nerves.

    Darla Moore

    Strengths

  • Great putter, phenomenal really. Her friends call her “Two-Putt Slut.” Never met a green she didn’t like. The more pressure on her, the better she rolls it.
  • Sandbagger. Huge gambler. She’ll hustle your underwear off of you if given the opportunity. She’s known to offer an inviting, friendly feeler wager on the front like a card shark throwing out the table minimum while sitting on a set of aces, only to come over the top of you in a big way if you get ballsy. That’s ole Dar on the backside. She’ll push all her chips in and go five figures. She wins more often than not.
  • Strong iron game. She’s deadly 9 through 6-iron. Can work the ball left or right.Weaknesses
  • Darla likes to get into the sauce out on the course. Bourbon’s her flavor, and she partakes liberally. If her BAC needle tips over into the red (typically around .16), her game falls apart. She can easily be had at this point.
  • Tops out at 175 off the tee, and that’s with her coming absolutely unglued with the driver in her hands. Really sets her game back. Par threes turn into fours, fours into fives, etc.
  • She has to stop after damn near every hole for a piss break. That bourbon gets flowing and just runs right through her. Thankfully for those playing with her, her shame usually hits the bricks alongside her sobriety. I say thankfully, because she’s down with just finding a nearby bush in lieu of an actual on-course restroom.Dar and Condi, I’d love to play a round with you two. I’ll bring the hooch and cigs.