Breaking Down The Insanely Weird List Of Items That Are Banned At The RNC

Karl Karlson9 years ago

The GOP National Convention is right around the corner, which means there are going to be a lot of wackjobs trying to sneak shit in. In an attempt to dissuade these enemies of freedom from bringing around any hazardous items, the GOP has released a list of stuff that you just can’t have on convention grounds. You know, stuff that doesn’t range from far-fetched to totally batshit insane.

It would seem I spoke too soon. Let’s break this shit down.

Swords, Switchblades

Completely understandable. Well, half of it. Switchblades are easy to conceal and any good, God-fearing Republican won’t be caught dead without a knife on him. It’s just practical. This raises the question, however, of who the fuck keeps swords around? Are we talking sabre-style swords, the kind used by officers in the military? Or are there a good number of convention-goers who have tried to enter wielding full-sized Scottish Claymores?

Nunchuks

First of all, points for not calling them “numb-chuks” like a six-year-old in the trailer park. Second, how are ninjas who vote Republican supposed to sneak off and take out Hillary at the drop of a hat if they can’t have their ‘chuks handy? Everyone knows TMNT Michelangelo goes straight ticket (Reaganomics!).

Hatchets

Log Cabin crowd won’t be happy about this one.

Drones

Another reasonable suggestion. Aside from the kinds used by our boys overseas, drones are stupid. The last thing the GOP needs is some 45-year-old who’s into RC Cars helicoptering over The Donald and accidentally whipping off that sweet ‘do. This year has been embarrassing enough.

Fireworks

Now you’re just being crazy. What are people supposed to do with their leftover Whistling Kitty Chasers now? If you ask me, there’s nothing more American than the future candidate taking the stage to the sound of one hundred Roman Candles. Dick move, GOP.

Water guns or water cannons

Oh come on! You just ruined my fanfiction about Sarah Palin getting super soaked in a white t-shirt as “Pink Houses” blasts in the background. It ends with an Alaska Bear Hug and some very tasteful usage of marshmallow fluff. The guys in charge really aren’t helping the whole “Republicans are no fun” image.

Containers of Bodily Fluids

Seeing as a number of older voters probably rely on colostomy bags, this is just a bad business move. It’s also not fair for a certain someone that might have wanted to gift Mrs. Palin a vial of his future children. They’ll have a better life with her.

Glass bottles, ornaments, or light bulbs

We prefer our beer in a can or a pint glass, thank you very much. It’s also unclear why someone would want to bring an ornament around in fucking July, but the Cavs just won a ring so I guess strange things are happening in Cleveland.

Lasers

Lasers are essential for the kind of theatrics Donnie Boy is sure to pull, so this is probably a ban suggested by the Dump Trump movement. It’s a sly move, but you can be sure that the assumed candidate will work his way around it with some Trump brand Light-Pointers.

Ladders

How is one supposed to see the stage without a ladder? I guess you could always use…

Grappling Hooks

What the fuck, people?! That’s the line, and you just crossed it.

Serious Conservative move to leave firearms off the list. I’m sure the talking heads will have a field day with that. The RNC, which is sure to be more fun than two barrels of monkeys, begins July 18. Even without fireworks, nunchucks, and Super Soakers, you can bet that there’s going to be a whole heap of excitement, debate, and controversy..

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Image via Twitter/@GOPconvention