Brian Scalabrine – Frattest NBA Player
12 years ago

 

Ever wonder who the biggest fratstar is in the NBA? I’ll give you a hint – he dominated the Italian basketball league on a team called the Benetton Treviso during the NBA lockout, he has a wet jump-shot (sometimes), and, unlike LeBron James, the ONLY time you will see him scoring points is during the late minutes of the fourth quarter. I’m talking of no one other than the Ginja Ninja aka the White Mamba, Brian Scalabrine. Even though he was voted the second-worst player in the NBA, he shakes off the haters and stays frat.

What I meant earlier, when saying that he only scores in the late minutes of the fourth quarter is that he is usually on the end of the bench giving high fives during time outs until his team pulls a 20+ point lead with 5 minutes left in the game. He will get cheers from the crowd as soon as he comes in, and the crowd will go absolutely bananas whenever he scores a bucket. Probably because it is such a rare occurrence. “Whatever,” says Scalabrine. “The crowd loves me more than everyone on my team, so I’m going to keep scoring and I’m gonna bang cutie in the fifth row after the game.” The crowd will actually give him a standing ovation for every basket, and if he ever scored the 100th point at home while playing for the Bulls, the crowd would act like he just hit a buzzer beater in a championship game. Why the 100th point you might ask? Free Big Macs for everyone at the United Center. Cheering that hard for a Big Mac… America proving that it is enthusiastically the most obese country in the world. To be fair though, if a Somalian found out he was getting a free Big Mac he’d go beyond cheering, he’d weep tears of joy.

Talking strictly in terms of last year, the Bulls were good – very good. Sometimes they would outscore their opponents handily by the 3rd quarter. When the fourth quarter starts out, you could start hearing some dull roars – “scala-brine… Scala-Brine… SCALA – BRINE!!!”

Also, unlike LeBron, Scalabrine has a championship ring. The frattest thing he ever did was talk at the press conference after the championship game. It’s not because he addressed the media, it’s because of what he said. He was asked how he felt wearing the ring even though he didn’t get one second of playing time throughout the whole championship series. While any other NBA player would be upset about that question, Scalabrine proved he is way TFTC by saying this, “Why would you think that’s funny? Maybe now I didn’t play a second, but in 5 years you guys are going to forget, in 10 years I’ll still be a champ, in 20 years I’ll tell my kids I probably started, and in 30 years I’ll probably tell them I got the MVP, so I’m really not too worried about it.” That shut up the reporters real quick, and this rant established him being a fan favorite.

Every house has that one red head, well for the NBA, Scalabrine is that guy. He isn’t the flashiest and the most high flying player ever (or at all), but he puts the “f-u” back in “fun” and he puts the “fun” back in “fundamentals.” If you are ever lucky enough to be at a game in which Scalabrine gets to run the court for the last 3-ish minutes, make sure you cheer hard for him. It’s not easy being that frat off the bench, but with his towel flapping and his free hand high-fiving, his attitude reflects that of a true fratstar.