Burn Your Khakis When You Graduate

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College kids entering the workforce are retarded when it comes to fashion. The problem is that guys either try too hard or not at all. You’ve got Mark Zuckerberg showing off his closet that enables him to “focus on more important decisions” in life, and on the other end of the spectrum, you’ve got people creating charts to help color-coordinate suits with every conceivable color and style of shoes. Both are equally pretentious.

Men’s fashion is really just a function of risk-reward. Guys need to be pragmatic, live in the safe zone, and keep it simple. So, here’s some practical fashion advice for when you have to start looking like an adult:

Business Attire

• If your suit is too distinctive, your colleagues will remember it as the one you wear all the time. You can’t go wrong with a two-button, notched-lapel suit. It’s a classic look that fits nearly every body type.
• In terms of color, keep it to various shades of gray and navy, with a few varieties of pinstripes. That’s all you need. Brown suits are for back office guys.
• Pocket squares are for guys who build a three-layer toilet paper nest before making number two. What kind of idiot has to shit in public anyway?
• No pleats and no cuffs. Cuffed pants are for limo drivers.
• A belt is generally optional, but in the United States, you should wear one.
• If you can’t tie a decent tie knot, people will assume you grew up poor with a deadbeat dad. So go with a tight, symmetrical, half-Windsor knot.
• Don’t be cheap with the shoes; women notice. Besides, quality $700 shoes last 3-4x longer than anything you can get in the $300 price range. Keep it simple with some classic Prada loafers.
• Contrary to popular belief, flamboyant socks don’t add flair or personality. They just make you look gay British. Instead, buy twenty pairs of identical black socks. Doing laundry becomes infinitely easier. Then, throw them away and refresh every six months; it feels great to start the day off with brand new socks.
• Unless it’s a black tie function, never ever wear a bow tie. Bill Nye is a fucking loser, and an idiot.

Shirts

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• For everyday wear, Mizzen+Mains are tough to beat – great fit and style, wrinkle free, and machine washable.
• But get most of your dress shirts made. The value of a custom shirt far exceeds the cost, and the relative value is a no-brainer.
• Stick with a stiff spread collar; it’s versatile enough to work with or without a tie, and goes with jeans or a suit. Oxford collars and shirt pockets are for Bernie Sanders supporters.
• If you sweat, wear an undershirt. Even if you don’t, having a visible undershirt destroys the entire outfit. You can’t beat NVSBL – they’re longer (stay tucked), more comfortable, sweat and odor fighting, and totally invisible. Hygiene and aesthetics aside, quality undershirts will significantly prolong the life of your dress shirts, and generally make you less disgusting.
• Monogrammed shirts are passé. Get your gun monogrammed instead.

Business Casual

• No khakis, unless your résumé still says you were president of your fraternity investment club. Wear jeans instead.
• If you’re wearing a blazer, make sure it doesn’t look like a suit jacket. Try a one-button, peaked-lapel, which looks great in the office, or out at night.
• No country club golf shirts, especially when the Masters is on.
• Wear whatever socks you want, but you still have to wear socks.

The Gym

• The era of baggy shorts is over. And mesh shorts are only acceptable in Myrtle Beach or the buzzer waiting room at Applebee’s.
• Get rid of the college apparel, unless you like barefoot running on a treadmill or bro-hugging dudes you’ve met once.
• These Birddogs are the best shorts on the planet – perfect for the gym, tennis court, or day drinking.
• While you’re at it, spend less time on a treadmill and more time playing a competitive sport. After all, the golf course is an extension of the office.

Miscellaneous

• There is no such thing as a “going out” shirt, especially on a first date.
• If you insist on wearing cologne, no one should smell you from five feet away or five minutes after you’ve left the room.
• No hats or sunglasses after sunset.
• Get a haircut every 3-4 weeks. And if you’ve got problems up top, shave it or transplant it.

Accessories

Cedar shoe trees are a must, especially when you travel.
• Backpacks might be “suddenly cool for grown men,” but not with a suit. Grow up, and
get an adult bag.
• When it comes to watches, they serve a purpose – presenting yourself as “high-status” is proven to make you appear more attractive to women. Here’s everything you need to know about that.
• Other than wedding rings, watches, and cuff links, no jewelry. The only thing worse for a woman than meeting a guy she likes with a ring on his wedding finger is meeting a guy she likes with a ring on any other finger.

Again, this advice is all about risk-reward. Because the vast majority of men are fashion illiterates, the smartest thing you can do is keep it simple and stay in a safe zone.

So, these tips won’t get you on the cover of GQ; but on Wall Street and in the business world, you can’t go wrong with this advice, which is far more important.

  1. PartyOnWayne

    The mere fact that he called Bill Nye and idiot makes me discredit this article entirely

    9 years ago at 4:11 pm
  2. Jingles

    $60 for a pair of gym shorts that don’t appear to have pokets? It’s the fucking gym. I got 3 pairs of pocketed gym shorts at JC Penny’s the other day for $15 a peice and was ecstatic. Fuck you.

    9 years ago at 4:23 pm
    1. central_LPZ

      You act like you are proud of the fact that you shop at J.C Penny. Like buying poor clothes makes you better somehow? Why the hell would you get a stupid opinion like that?

      9 years ago at 4:37 pm
  3. Mel_Gibson

    This has to be the most gay article. How much of a try hard are you to talk about men’s fashion?!?! You make me sick. You’re a fucking pussy. This article belongs on TSM.

    9 years ago at 5:11 pm
  4. Blackout919

    If I wore jeans to my business casual office I would be told to pack up and leave. Khakis are the perfect happy medium between jeans and dress pants. They are exactly what business casual is about. Good clickbait to your catalog though, chumps.

    9 years ago at 5:13 pm
  5. Mel_Gibson

    This is the gayest article ever. How much of a try hard are you? You and this article belong on TSM.

    9 years ago at 5:17 pm
  6. Bill Wallace

    Business Attire: Kilt
    Accessories: Big Ass Sword

    Worked out just fine for me

    9 years ago at 5:33 pm
  7. Drunken haze

    Yeah I’ll be sure to dress like this when I make as much as a Wall Street investment banker. Until then I’ll have to scrape by like a peasant with my non tailored shirts, sperrys and shitty non submariner watch. My father has worked on Wall Street for 20 years and on the weekends he wears a polo , blue jeans, the oldest fucking sperrys you will ever see. The writer of this article is the biggest try hard, new money trash I have ever seen.

    9 years ago at 6:02 pm