New Year’s Resolutions For 19 Celebrities

Wally Bryton8 years ago

I think it’s important to have a new year’s resolution. Sure, there’s probably a 110% chance you’ll break it within 15 minutes, but still. It’s healthy and proactive to set goals for yourself. Personally, my new year’s resolution is stop writing so many shitty articles. But don’t worry: I know there’s a 210% chance i’ll break it within 15 seconds.

As you all know, I am a wise love guru with a large foundation of information flowing from my body (that’s how I word it, at least; either way, it’s permanent and I think I got it from this redhead girl in New Jersey). I’m an expert at expertly giving advice to celebrities with my expert-like expertly expertise. I’m like the Dr. Drew of TFM.

With all that being said, here are my pieces of advice for some celebrities on what their new year’s resolutions should be for this upcoming year.

Drake

Get over your ex already! You’ve been talking about her for years and you’re like a zillionaire. Nicki Minaj is single, go fuck her!

Nicki Minaj

Go fuck Drake. He needs it.

Taylor Swift

Take the same advice I just gave to Drake, except instead of the “fuck Nicki Minaj” part… Wait…. On second thought, do everything I told Drake to do. And please videotape it.

Jennifer Lawrence

Stop trying so hard to be “relatable.” We get it, you’re a normal person! You’re sooo down to earth! You fall sometimes, and you like pizza! Congrats! Also, stop talking about how fat you are — you look like a toothpick with tits.

Lena Dunham

To avoid causing any more controversy, hire an assistant to superglue your mouth shut.

Kanye West

Stop being so humble! Let yourself be a little more confident; you beat yourself up too much.

Bill Cosby

Die.

Donald Trump

You’ve GOTTA change that haircut, dude. You’re about to be the President for fuck’s sake.

Hillary Clinton

I’ll emails yours to you.

Angelina Jolie

Now that you and Brad Pitt are divorced, have a threesome with Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj.

Brad Pitt

Videotape your ex-wife having a threesome with Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj as you are part of some sort of weird cuckold situation.

Peyton Manning

Make some extra cash and start selling real estate on your forehead.

The Kardashians

Disappear.

David Blaine

Make the Kardashians disappear.

Kevin Hart

Be in less than 900 movies this year. I feel like you don’t sleep.

Wally Bryton

I know you’re not a celebrity (far from it), but have someone break all your fingers so you can’t write your terrible articles anymore. Then go play in traffic and promptly eat an AIDS burger.

Floyd Mayweather

Learn how to read this article.

Ryan Lochte

Get robbed at gunpoint for real to make it up to us.

Vladimir Putin

For starters, have that picture of you shirtless on a horse completely erased from the internet. I don’t know, how but you can probably do it. That shit is embarrassing..

Image via Shutterstock