College Dating Survival Guide
13 years ago

You aren’t even sure how it happened. The two of you shared a few sloppy drunken hookups and texted occasionally, but suddenly you find out you’re in the collegiate purgatory known as the “we’re talking” phase. I’m not even entirely sure what it means, all I know is it puts you at a crossroads. There are nearly limitless factors to consider when you find yourself in the clutches of this title, and your future is entirely dependent on your next moves. Fear not, I’m here to help.

The first thing to consider is if this girl is actually girlfriend material: aka is she an 8 or better, and can you talk to her when you’re sober without wanting to kill yourself. The first issue is always pivotal. I’ve never understood why any guy in college would date a girl of average attractiveness. Where I’m from we call that “settling” and you can definitely do better. Sure, personality extremely important and should be a serious factor for your consideration…if you’re trying to get married. But I shouldn’t have to remind you that we’re in college, and that shit shouldn’t be anywhere near our sex-and-booze-driven minds. Right now your focus should be having as much fun as possible, and if you meet a great girl along the way that’s just an added bonus. However, it is crucial that you’re at least able to deal with her sober. The fact is, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with this girl, and a very small chunk of it will be alcoholically supplemented. If she can’t hold a conversation, is dreadfully boring, or has trouble forming rational thoughts then I can guarantee it’s not worth your time.

So let’s just say you found someone you can bear to be around while still clothed that doesn’t look like the horse-demon Sarah Jessica Parker. Congratulations. The natural next step is to crank up the chivalry. It’s not dead, I promise. Of course, as a gentleman you should be holding open doors for women all the time, but this holds especially true for potential girlfriend status slams. My advice is to think of it this way: every time you pay for a meal or get her a gift, you earn half a blowjob. If that doesn’t provide a little extra motivation, I don’t know what will (you might be gay).

I’ve found through my experiences that nothing is ever a reality until it’s posted on Facebook. All those nights I was blackout and allegedly punched a hole in the wall? Pics or it didn’t happen. The same holds true with the ladies, and I assure you that you aren’t truly dating until a picture of the two of you pops up on every single person’s news feed, adorned with a little heart. The jump from “talking” to “FBO” is the most monumental of steps, and while I think it’s fucking creepy that we (they) feel the need to announce a relationship to thousands of people we barely talk to, the simple fact is that’s what our culture has become. Facebook official has become the ultimate sign of a relationship, and if you aren’t willing to suck it up and change that status, maybe this girl isn’t so special after all (in which case, drop her and continue your sexual deviance elsewhere). And for any of you out there who “don’t want the whole world to know my business” or whatever bullshit excuse you have for not posting it: lighten up. If you’re going to date someone, you shouldn’t be embarrassed over a simple link to her page. If you are, she’s probably busted and you fucked up by dating her in the first place.

There’s only one final thing to note: don’t be a pussy and cheat. If you feel like you can’t control yourself and need to penetrate every moist hole you come across, I don’t think you’re quite ready for an exclusive slampiece. If she passed all the previous criteria, chances are she’s a pretty nice girl, and let’s get real…she doesn’t deserve that. I get it. It’s cool to be a legendary bitch-slaying badass, and I fully encourage those actions. Believe me. All I’m saying is if you want to be that guy, don’t make the mistake of dating. Unless you have an extremely bizarre guilt fetish, you’ll be glad you stayed single.