College Habits That You Should Ditch After Graduation

1. Addy abuse

Drugs. Why do we take drugs? Because they’re awesome? Or, maybe, we just realized that we have precisely eight hours to write an entire semester’s worth of “daily” journal entries for a class we’ve barely been to. The professor forced our hand, I get it.

Whatever our reason may be, young people have been playing pretty fast and loose with the Adderall these days. College is a sprint, not a marathon. There’s no time to be fucking around with sustainable lifestyle choices when your GPA is hanging in the balance. Graduating college isn’t about making it to the finish line. It’s about crossing that finish line in a way that looks good on paper.

That being said, some people have taken this shit to an aggressive and unnecessary level. Which, in the long run, cannot be healthy. I’ll admit that medicinal sand-bagging can work in a pinch. But, it can’t be a part of your everyday routine. You need to sleep at some point. Post-grad life is the ultimate marathon. If you try to sprint through it, you’ll probably just cramp up and shit your shorts on the first mile. Abusing PEDs is a young man’s game. Just ask the Russian Olympic squad, juicing to get results will catch up with you sooner than later.

2. Pissing the bed

A person who refuses to enjoy alcoholic beverages responsibly usually wakes up, at one point or another, completely soaked in piss (hopefully their own). It’s just science. The human bladder can only contain a finite quantity of Hamm’s Special Light before it is forced to let some of it go. If you pump two dog-beers (fourteen human beers) into your stomach and then go straight to sleep without sufficiently relieving yourself, well, you were kind of asking for it. Hey, no judgment. Show me a person who has made it through all four years of college without using their dorm room bed like a mattress-shaped urinal, and I’ll show you a damn liar.

Ruining your mattress at school might be semi-acceptable. But it is absolutely not a habit that you should carry with you into your adult life. I would imagine that once you’re sleeping in a bed that you bought with hard earned money from your entry-level job, you suddenly become less eager to use it as a giant rectangular diaper.

3. Bagging up smoke detectors

What do we want? Cigs. Where do we want ‘em? Inside.

College students versus fire alarms: a tale as old as, well, fire alarms. Every time a freshman stoner wants to rip bong in the comfort of his own room, every one of his dormitory’s fire alarms start flashing and blaring like the place is about to explode. This kid just wanted to smoke a little funny-grass, and now an entire building full of pissed-off teenagers is forced to evacuate.

However, a number of years ago, some kids found a brilliant solution to this problem. If you attach a plastic shopping back to a coat hanger and put it over the smoke detector on your ceiling, it doesn’t detect shit. Problem solved. It’s not an entirely bulletproof system, but, if you’re not an idiot about it, you can smoke pretty comfortably inside without worrying about it going off.

Reckless disregard for fire safety may be par for the course in college. But, after you graduate, shit like this is just a weird look. You should care if all of your belongings were to go up in flames. A fire in your post-grad apartment is definitely more of a “you” problem than a fire in your freshman dormitory.

  1. MightBePike

    Reminding me about the turn of phrase “dog beers” made this good article great.

    7 years ago at 2:03 pm
    1. Fratty Couples PGA

      So did reminding me about getting stoney baloney in my dorm because we taped over the fire alarm.

      7 years ago at 5:44 pm
      1. Fratty Couples PGA

        The real genius was staying in the room and turning up the music when it did go off.

        7 years ago at 5:45 pm
  2. ThinkThereforeFRAT

    Being happy is like pissing your pants: everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth- also I haven’t experienced it since freshman year.

    7 years ago at 12:52 pm