Cornell Fraternity Member Streaks Across Campus, His President Gets Him Off Scot-Free With Legendary Defense

Jared Borislow9 years ago

The man who was the president of my fraternity for a year back in the late 1950s still lives in Madison and is very involved with our chapter. My favorite stories of his are those about the weekly meetings he’d have with the University of Wisconsin’s dean of students.

During these meetings, our president essentially was read a laundry list of accusations against our fraternity that he had to defend. Before the meetings, he’d ask every brother in the chapter if they’d done something they thought the dean might bring up so he could be as prepared as possible to defend them against the accusations. A lot of times, the brothers would spill the beans, and he’d have time to think up an excuse for, say, stealing an alligator from the zoo to use as a centerpiece for Islander (which is an actual thing that happened during his tenure). Other times, the brothers would keep their lips shut, hoping the dean just wouldn’t find out. He obviously always would, and that would lead to our president having to defend his brothers on the spot. He somehow succeeded, and our chapter operated unhindered for another 45 years until some early nineties idiots fucked everything up and we were kicked off campus for 14 years. That has gone down in history as the second worst thing to ever happen to my chapter, right behind the decision to initiate me in 2012 after we recolonized in 2008.

As this nation cracks down on Greek life, it’s refreshing to see the tradition that is a president standing up for his brothers is still alive and well. Imtisal Qadir, the president of TDX (Theta Delta Chi) at Cornell University, recently had to defend one of his brothers, who was accused of streaking across campus while exhibiting seemingly drug-induced behavior. And Qadir’s rock solid defense of said brother is the stuff of legend.

From The Cornell Daily Sun:

A Cornell student was restrained by the police at approximately 2:30 p.m. Monday, after behaving erratically on West Campus following an allergic reaction to prescription medication, according to Imtisal Qadir ’18, president of the Theta Delta Chi fraternity.

Police responded to reports of the man — who is a member of the fraternity — running on West Avenue without clothing, according to Police Chief Kathy Zoner.

Qadir said the student called 911 himself once he was aware that he was responding badly to the medication.

“[He] called 911 while in a state of panic but then, afraid that he wasn’t going to receive help in time, ran out to ask passersby for help,” Qadir said.

Unreal. Sure, maybe this TDX member really was having “an allergic reaction to prescription medication,” just like how maybe I prefer to eat bananas in one bite because I’m “always in a hurry.” We all know that Qadir made this story up to get his boy out of sure legal trouble — and it fucking worked.

This begs the question: If a president can get one of his guys out of a streaking charge, what else can he get one of his guys out of, and how can he do it? Here are a few things I came up with.

Charge: Stealing a sorority composite
Defense: “His deceased mother is on that composite. All of their family photos were destroyed in the fire that took his mother’s life, so he wanted a photo to remember her by.”

Charge: Hazing
Defense: “Phil has very bad separation anxiety. He can’t even be in a car alone. He also is scared of machinery after all of those terrifying Malaysian airplane incidents. That’s why he cut those holes in the floor of Pledge #13’s car and has said pledge Fred Flintstone him around town.”

Charge: Using a fake ID
Defense: “Connor may look like your average 19-year-old college student, but he actually identifies as… what’s this say… *looks at fake ID* Jim Dorgan, the beautiful and brave 23-year-old man you see here on this ID.”

Go thank your fraternity president for his service today..

[via The Cornell Daily Sun]

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