New Defense Strategy Has U.S. Sending Sorority Girls To Defeat ISIS With Passive Aggression

Doctor Franzia8 years ago

Today, the Department of Defense announced a new initiative to send volunteers from the country’s Panhellenic-affiliated sororities to defeat ISIS.

“The airstrikes just aren’t doing it for us the way they used to,” said Major General Eric Kuntz. “The situation with ISIS today is fragile, and calls for a different kind of warfare tactic: passive aggression.”

“Who better than a woman?” the General shrugged.

Experts have long recognized the role of women in non-violent resistance, as recently discussed by filmmaker Julia Bacha in a TED talk none of us watched.

Junior Poli Sci major Jordan Hobbs, who is dating an Alpha Phi, summarized the effect of passive aggression like this:

“Last weekend, instead of hitting the bars for Dong’s 21er, I sat down with my girlfriend and watched like all seven fucking Divergent movies. You think I give a shit about Divergent? I don’t.”

“It’s high time we start putting this untapped power to work in our national defense strategy,” said Kuntz. “This wave of volunteers from our country’s sorority houses contains the single most condensed and lethal concentration of passive aggression on the planet.”

It is believed that the girls will infiltrate ISIS cells both in Syria and worldwide, electing upper-level ISIS leaders to insincere Executive Board positions and then “forgetting” to invite them to sisterhoods and scheduling chapter meetings during an un-missable lab period. Another strategy includes creating a large Facebook event for Tiffany’s birthday and intentionally inviting every girl in the house except the ISIS leaders, while making very public posts about the event on the chapter Facebook page.

“Oh yeah, that happened to my GF,” said Hobbs. “These girls are brutal.”.